I haven't posted for a while, not because I haven't been writing but because sometimes there are things that are better left off the internet. I have done a lot of soul searching lately, a lot of it due to the fact that I am re-entering the dating scene. I wasn't ever really in it before so it's all new and I've already decided that I don't like it. There are a lot of fake people and pretend going on. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm not fake.
I have a bad habit of thinking people are judging me, talking about me when they aren't. I know that we judge people the minute we look at them. It's that cursory glance that tells us about the person regardless of what we may think.
On the outside it may seem like I have it all together. Your first glance of me I am usually put together, nice clothes, jewelry, and makeup. I usually have a smile on my face because I am usually happy. I have my moments but I learned a long time ago that if you want to be happy you have to make that choice. I don't see the point in being upset all the time, it only frustrates me. This is the picture that people see on the outside. When you walk by me in the store or if you haven't met me you might think that my life is great because of what you see. It's all a mirage!
What you can't see, I'm selfish. I wear those nice clothes, jewelry and makeup because I like to look nice and I want people to see me as pretty. I am a selfish person, it's hard for me to think of others first. I have to stop and redirect my thinking in order to think of others. I catch myself doing it and I beat myself up for it. Why? I love to be the center of attention. My family and anyone else who has known me for even a little while could probably tell you that. I was made to be a star and since I'm not a celebrity I must get your attention some way.
I'm a perfectionist, not in everything but in most things. If I set out to do something I have to do it absolutely and to the best, better than anyone else or it's not worth doing. Which is probably why I hate housework because you can never get it absolutely done and I think I would go nuts trying to do so.
I am stubborn, once I get my mind set on something I am set on it. I may talk about doing something for a while but when I decide that I'm going to do it, get out of my way because that's what I'm doing.
So you may ask, why would I decide to tell the whole world about my faults? Because of my good traits, I'm genuine and transparent. I have all these things that look good on the outside and I am a kind person, I honestly want to make others happy and don't mean to hurt anyone but these things get in the way of my good traits when I don't want them too. I've also learned that I'm not perfect, (blow to the perfectionist), and no one else is either.
We all have things about us that lay hidden that we just wait for someone to find out and not like us because of it. We are sure that when our faults come out our friends will stop liking us, our loves will stop loving us. It is a fear that all of us carry and everyone is so afraid to say it that no one does and everyone holds on to the pain and fear. As the great Dr. Suess says, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
So here I am with all my faults, laid out for the world to see. Maybe it's another one of my faults, that I'm real. I spent so long trying to hide my life from everyone. I said that my life was great, and everything was okay, and it was not. My smile is real, my love is real, and my friendship is real. The clothes, jewelry, car; it's just stuff, anybody can have stuff. I want to live a life that is full of real. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.
I have a bad habit of thinking people are judging me, talking about me when they aren't. I know that we judge people the minute we look at them. It's that cursory glance that tells us about the person regardless of what we may think.
On the outside it may seem like I have it all together. Your first glance of me I am usually put together, nice clothes, jewelry, and makeup. I usually have a smile on my face because I am usually happy. I have my moments but I learned a long time ago that if you want to be happy you have to make that choice. I don't see the point in being upset all the time, it only frustrates me. This is the picture that people see on the outside. When you walk by me in the store or if you haven't met me you might think that my life is great because of what you see. It's all a mirage!What you can't see, I'm selfish. I wear those nice clothes, jewelry and makeup because I like to look nice and I want people to see me as pretty. I am a selfish person, it's hard for me to think of others first. I have to stop and redirect my thinking in order to think of others. I catch myself doing it and I beat myself up for it. Why? I love to be the center of attention. My family and anyone else who has known me for even a little while could probably tell you that. I was made to be a star and since I'm not a celebrity I must get your attention some way.
I'm a perfectionist, not in everything but in most things. If I set out to do something I have to do it absolutely and to the best, better than anyone else or it's not worth doing. Which is probably why I hate housework because you can never get it absolutely done and I think I would go nuts trying to do so.
I am stubborn, once I get my mind set on something I am set on it. I may talk about doing something for a while but when I decide that I'm going to do it, get out of my way because that's what I'm doing.
So you may ask, why would I decide to tell the whole world about my faults? Because of my good traits, I'm genuine and transparent. I have all these things that look good on the outside and I am a kind person, I honestly want to make others happy and don't mean to hurt anyone but these things get in the way of my good traits when I don't want them too. I've also learned that I'm not perfect, (blow to the perfectionist), and no one else is either.
We all have things about us that lay hidden that we just wait for someone to find out and not like us because of it. We are sure that when our faults come out our friends will stop liking us, our loves will stop loving us. It is a fear that all of us carry and everyone is so afraid to say it that no one does and everyone holds on to the pain and fear. As the great Dr. Suess says, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."So here I am with all my faults, laid out for the world to see. Maybe it's another one of my faults, that I'm real. I spent so long trying to hide my life from everyone. I said that my life was great, and everything was okay, and it was not. My smile is real, my love is real, and my friendship is real. The clothes, jewelry, car; it's just stuff, anybody can have stuff. I want to live a life that is full of real. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.
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