I often write posts that are upbeat and most often uplifting, or so I would hope. I do not often write posts that speak of hurt or pain unless I am already over it. This blog however is called Life in Pieces. It would not be fair to only share the good pieces when there are bad ones as well. We all have those days, moments, sometimes even weeks when it's just bad.
It's the time when you just want to take a pan of brownies, and a tub of ice cream and eat to your hearts content. When you put on a sappy movie just to sit and cry. The worst of my moment was last night, it was late and no one else was up. I know I have plenty of friends to lean on for support but for the moment I wanted to sit in my misery. I didn't want to be cheered up or told that it would all work out.
Those who saw me yesterday saw a happy, even cheerful person and that was true. I didn't hide my true feelings behind a facade. I was truly a happy person yesterday morning. There is not one single thing that led to my misery. It was a cumulation of over a year and half of a journey that should not have taken that long. Then when I looked back I realized it was much longer than a year and seven months, it was 9 years and 3 months. A third of my life gone. I can't go back and change the past, and there are some things that I wouldn't want too. I mourn for the life that I never had, for the way I wished things had been. It feels like a tremendous waste of time.
I have so much to be thankful for and I don't take that for granted. At the same time I'm just a person and I have bad days. The past year and seven months has had so many ups and downs it's like a bad roller coaster. You scream to get off and no one hears you, it's enough to make you hurl. Why do I share this?
The reason I have to share is because my life is about transparency. I hid my life for so many years while it was at it's worst and I learned something from that. Don't do it, don't hid it. There are so many people who are going through the same thing or perhaps even worse but we try to keep up this image. We want others to see us as perfect, wonderful, and without flaws.
So here it is, Divorce sucks!!!! I truly did not want to get a divorce but I couldn't continue living my life that way. The process of divorce sucks, going to court sucks, paying a lawyer sucks. I enjoyed being married because of the word married. When people ask how I'm doing with it I don't really know how to answer. I'm glad because this long journey is finally over, I'm not glad that I had to do it. I'm not happy that my children don't get a Dad who is there for them. I'm not happy that I come home to an empty house. I'm glad that my children and I are safe. I'm glad that I am free to be me, that I can write, sing, and learn without hindrance. I'm glad that my children are surrounded with people who love them and nurture them.
For those of you who want to know how I feel about it, there it is. I'm just so tired; I've been pushed off the roller coaster, dragged through the mud and the muck, then told to get up and smile. We all have our journey's to go through and this is part of mine. It was because of choices I made but it doesn't make it any easier. Now that I have thrown my pity party for the world to see I'm done. Life keeps going and so must I. Children, work, school, and housework; they all continue on. I choose to live my life with a smile and joy because I have so much more to be thankful for than not. At the end of the day I will be okay, I know this because I know this; "The joy of the Lord is my strength and my shield." Psalm 28:7 NIV
It's the time when you just want to take a pan of brownies, and a tub of ice cream and eat to your hearts content. When you put on a sappy movie just to sit and cry. The worst of my moment was last night, it was late and no one else was up. I know I have plenty of friends to lean on for support but for the moment I wanted to sit in my misery. I didn't want to be cheered up or told that it would all work out.
Those who saw me yesterday saw a happy, even cheerful person and that was true. I didn't hide my true feelings behind a facade. I was truly a happy person yesterday morning. There is not one single thing that led to my misery. It was a cumulation of over a year and half of a journey that should not have taken that long. Then when I looked back I realized it was much longer than a year and seven months, it was 9 years and 3 months. A third of my life gone. I can't go back and change the past, and there are some things that I wouldn't want too. I mourn for the life that I never had, for the way I wished things had been. It feels like a tremendous waste of time.
I have so much to be thankful for and I don't take that for granted. At the same time I'm just a person and I have bad days. The past year and seven months has had so many ups and downs it's like a bad roller coaster. You scream to get off and no one hears you, it's enough to make you hurl. Why do I share this?
The reason I have to share is because my life is about transparency. I hid my life for so many years while it was at it's worst and I learned something from that. Don't do it, don't hid it. There are so many people who are going through the same thing or perhaps even worse but we try to keep up this image. We want others to see us as perfect, wonderful, and without flaws.
So here it is, Divorce sucks!!!! I truly did not want to get a divorce but I couldn't continue living my life that way. The process of divorce sucks, going to court sucks, paying a lawyer sucks. I enjoyed being married because of the word married. When people ask how I'm doing with it I don't really know how to answer. I'm glad because this long journey is finally over, I'm not glad that I had to do it. I'm not happy that my children don't get a Dad who is there for them. I'm not happy that I come home to an empty house. I'm glad that my children and I are safe. I'm glad that I am free to be me, that I can write, sing, and learn without hindrance. I'm glad that my children are surrounded with people who love them and nurture them.
For those of you who want to know how I feel about it, there it is. I'm just so tired; I've been pushed off the roller coaster, dragged through the mud and the muck, then told to get up and smile. We all have our journey's to go through and this is part of mine. It was because of choices I made but it doesn't make it any easier. Now that I have thrown my pity party for the world to see I'm done. Life keeps going and so must I. Children, work, school, and housework; they all continue on. I choose to live my life with a smile and joy because I have so much more to be thankful for than not. At the end of the day I will be okay, I know this because I know this; "The joy of the Lord is my strength and my shield." Psalm 28:7 NIV
I know this place, I don't like this place, I don't want this place to visit me ever again, but it will... but greater is He that is in me than he that is in this world...THANK YOU JESUS!
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