Scars of the Past

I've been struggling for a little while with a piece of my past that refuses to go away. It is labeled on me and it does not reflect who I am but I can't change it and I can't take it away. It would cost a considerable amount of money to get rid of it and it would be painful. What I speak of is my tattoo. This tattoo I got was supposed to be a fairy, because I wanted to be free to be me. I just wanted to show the world that I could fly away. Perhaps it was because I dreamt about being free, to just be me.

The "Fairy" didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I spent 3 hours under the needle, and I didn't cry once. I wanted to show that I was tough and I could do it. It was a sign of strength that I was shown respect for a short time for. That day was short lived and to this day I can't really tell you why I got it. It was one of those I thought I wanted to do, I thought it would be cool.

Cool is the last thing I think of when I see my tattoo. It's not like I can even see it, I got it on my back and everyone else can see it. When I do see I think of where I was at in my life then. I was over weight and unhappy with my life. I didn't want to get a tattoo in area where I would be ashamed to show someone and I thought my best bet was my back. I didn't think it was going to be as large as it is. I wanted something small but the "artist" got carried away.

I've had it for 5 years now, why should it bother me all of a sudden? When I think about my future and where I want my life to go I don't want my past to follow me. I have this huge target on my back that says I have made mistakes. It's fitting in a way, this tattoo takes it's place squarely on my back and even though I put the past behind me, it will always be there. I can't hide who I was, or where I have been and it's impossible to forget.

I want to stand in a beautiful gown with a regular back and not have wings peeking out. I want to show the world that I am new and pure once more. My heart has been restored, my purity given back to me but it still will never be the same. I gave a piece of myself to someone who didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart because I can't take it back and give it to someone who does.

So whenever someone asks about my tattoo I will give them the same story, this once fairy has gone through a transformation. This fairy is a girl, broken, beaten, and abused. She is now humbly bowing before her God and king offering the only life that she has left.