Pay It Forward

I watched Pay it Forward for the first time in a long time. It's amazing how things can effect you in a whole new way. When I first watched it I didn't have a child and hadn't been through a lot so it was just another movie to me, a sad movie. Watching it through my eyes now is a whole new experience.
I had to watch the movie for homework, I was supposed to watch and see how the person identified themselves and how the different parts of their life are shown. I watched it with intent and at first I thought the person I would focus on would be the son because he was the main character of the show. This time I watched the mom, I saw her in a whole new light. I barely remembered the issues she had going on in her life and how messed up she was. 
It was like watching an entirely different movie but knowing the ending. The pain that she was going through is not what you see. You focus on the kid and what he is doing. It's really not about that, the whole movie is really about the bigger picture. How often do we really see that? How often do we look outside of ourselves and see what is going on in the world around us.
I was placed in a strange situation today and I am not sure how to deal with it. There are times when we have no control over things in our lives and this was one of them. I can't control how someone else lives their life or what they do. It's not that I need to but it's hard because all I can do is stand outside the bubble getting fed some information but never enough to make a complete picture. It's frustrating because I want to know what's going on but I can't. I feel a concern that something could be wrong and I can't do anything about it. There is no one to call, no one to talk too. It's a helpless feeling and I just have to wait.
My situation is unique. It wasn't easy, it was hard for me to get out but I was blessed. I had a place to go, I had people to support me. I was not put through more than I could bear. Even with all the support I had it was tough, I won't lie. I was grilled, questioned and made to feel like I was in the wrong. There were times when I wanted to give up and just say you win. I didn't and I'm still fighting. It has gotten better, time has only shown what I have been saying all along. 
When I started this I didn't think I was a very strong person. I didn't really know who I was or what I was doing, I just knew I needed to be safe. For months I walked on eggshells, I wasn't sure what to do but I just kept going. I am now stronger than I thought I would be. I found this out when I went before someone I had seen only 3 months ago. I sat there three months ago, shaking, uncertain, and scared of what was happening. This time I was focused, prepared and knew what I needed to do. 
I can't say that I am completely different, I will find out on Tuesday how strong I really am. I am ready to face those who stand against me. I am strong, I am brave, I am here by the grace of God. My life is not my own and I know that.
I stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. I stand for those who don't think they can't make it through. I stand for those who are being bullied. I stand for those who are being silenced. It's not okay and it never should be. I am standing in the gap and until my time is done I will continue to do so. It's not an easy fight but with God's help we never have to do it alone.