I see the light

It's 1am in the morning and I'm awake. I felt like doing something productive, I was thinking of going in the kitchen and baking something, not sure what just something. The issues with that is if I baked it I would want to eat it, and that's kind of an odd midnight snack.
The reason for the blog is that it's much less fattening, and I feel productive when I write. My last blog was a very emotional one for me. A couple of things I have learned about myself is that I am one of those girls who goes a little bit crazy once a month. It used to be that I would find it so annoying when that was something people threw out, like it was an insult. Insult or not, once a month I know that I am liable to get very emotional.
When I am that emotional it is very hard to make sane decisions. For one the tears and the drama don't convince anyone that you are currently at your peak decision making. However, there is one decision that I make once a month every month and I still haven't done it. This time, I am.
You would think that after a year or so of knowing that I need to do this and going through this every month that I would catch on. One thing that held me back was finances, but I'm trusting God on this one. Even though it will be tight I'm going to make it through with his help.
The making of this decision has greatly affected me. I find myself feeling free, free to be myself. There is no way to really say how this works but I know that now there is a light. There is more then just going through each day. When there is no vision the people perish; Proverbs 29:18. How little did I realize how true this is. If there is nothing to shoot for, no goal to aim for then what are we doing? Even a little goal can make a big difference.
I have another long term goal that I have started, and it's called College. Yep, here I go again. I'm excited because I want to get my Bachelors in something I love. Communication. It might seem weird, but from the moment I took my first communication class I loved it. I wanted to change my major then and there, and I should have. It took me a little while longer to get to the place of starting again.
It's not always going to be easy, and here I go juggling so many things. I could list them all but the thing is that I enjoy what I do. I enjoy my job. I love my kids, my boyfriend, my family. I love my church, my second family. I love writing. I love learning. These things help make my life full, and even with the stress and chaos of it all I wouldn't trade any of them. 

Why waiting matters

The truth is according to the world I'm all good to go ahead and do whatever I want. As an adult I am free to make my own choices on what I do with my body. There is no reason, people say that I can't do what I want. It comes down to what I want, the desires of my heart is what seeps out when all else fails.  The number 1 truth comes that I live in my body, but it's not my own. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:20.

This is part of what drives me, but there are many more reasons not to have sex before marriage. The deal is I have been called a prude, I have been told that no one does that anymore, everyone will eventually. I am honored to say I know people who made the right choice the first time around and saved themselves for marriage. I was not one of those people who was able to hold to my standards the first time around.

When I was a teenager I made the pledge to save myself for marriage, but hormones and a lack of self control stood in the way, plus my own selfish pride. To be honest, the raging hormone thing doesn't get easier with age, it doesn't go away. As an 18 year old girl I met a boy who told me things I wanted to hear, he made my hormones go and my brain shut off. The smart girl that everyone knew had been lost to a girl whose hormones ruled her. I didn't think straight. There were warning signs from the beginning and if I had paid attention I would have seen them. Instead I wanted the feelings, it was about making me feel good. Despite my families protest I ended up marrying the man I was warned about. 

Now you may say, just because you had one bad experience doesn't mean you need to be celibate. It's a choice that I make, and each person has to find their own reasons. 

My reasons are my own, but they are simple. I have respect for myself. The old saying goes, when does a woman have sex? Whenever she wants. I could go out and find someone to have sex with, it's not that hard, but I respect myself and don't let just anyone near me. Now I know most won't go out just to find someone to have sex with, but what about the long term boyfriend? He's different, isn't he? Key word here boyfriend , no matter how much he says he loves you, actions speak louder then words. A boy who pushes you to have sex is just that, he's not seeing who you are as a person. 

True love waits. I know, you've heard it all before, but true love is more then a feeling. It's respect, communication, caring and forgiveness from both parties. 

Waiting is respect, when you love someone you respect their beliefs and their body. Waiting is communication, when you hang out if you aren't making out of having sex, you have to talk. You have to get to know the person you are with. Waiting is caring, enough about the future that you know that things can wait. 

Waiting is trust, this is a huge one. This one person that you have chosen, you want to spend your life with them and no one else. The trust you place in them is huge. You make yourself vulnerable in every way, baring your soul to this person and in a way placing your life in their hands. That is a lot of trust to give one person. Trust can be built and more easily broken. Someone who waits for you, who can fight with you and still be there even with no sex, wants to hang out with you, talk with you, just for being you builds trust. If someone is willing to sleep with you outside of marriage how easily would they do the same with someone else?

There are many things you need to know, to learn about a person before walking down the aisle. Being sure that you want to be around them for who they are instead of the feelings they give you is the most important thing. Will they be there when the going gets tough? Will they stand beside you when things are going wrong? Knowing that the one person you are walking towards thinks you are important enough to wait for, to treat with respect, and not be blinded by sex and emotions is the best feeling. We are all human, not all of us make it that far. For me, these are the reasons that I wait, the things that drive me. I want to walk down the aisle and cut the wedding cake, knowing that the best is yet to come.