Beauty from Ashes

I seem to have the most to say when I can't get any sleep. It's nearly midnight and I'm awake with pain that won't seem to go away. As I lay trying to find a comfortable position when the only one would be floating weightless, my mind starts to wander.
In church tonight I had to sit instead of stand during praise and worship, not usually a big deal, however when you are on stage it is. I felt as if my shins were on fire and the pain was nearly unbearable. This was only one of a few things that have been hindered in my life lately. My writing has been one of them. This thing that I love to do, that God has given me a gift and a talent for has been excruciatingly painful to do.
What do you do for God when you can't seem to do much at all? I see people my age going out and doing great things for God. Some of them pastors, missionaries, musicians, and I wish that I could be one of them. The thing is my life didn't take that direction, partly due to my own choices I made. Some choices were made out of idiocy and naivety, others out of necessity.
The thing is, the lives that you see aren't always what they appear. My Facebook doesn't reflect the pain that I have been in. It doesn't tell you the stress I have in my every day life. The pastors and missionaries have their own path to follow. There are some that have it great, and it's easy to follow God when things are going great. It's easy to be a light to others when life is peachy.
What I am supposed to do? The thing is I trust God, and even though I'm sitting in a lot of pain, and I don't know what the future holds I still trust Him. To be completely honest I worry, about what this means for my future. Will I be able to take a pen to paper and just write? All my hopes and dreams for the future, what does this do for them?
The thing is, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. My gift, my calling, what I am supposed to do for God gets better with everything He sees me through. I've been through a lot in a few short years and I keep going through things. We all go through things, and at the end of the day I can say that God is in control.
For all the pain I feel, for every hurt I have been through, it doesn't stop me. Here I am and I'm going to use this pain for God's glory. I know that life can be hard, I have experienced abuse and now I sit in pain and I will still say, God can use me. There is never a point in our lives when we have gone so far that God can't use us. We are not useless, no matter what our hurt, no matter what pain is holding us back, physically or mentally. All it takes is a willing heart.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Think on these things

The past week has been difficult for me. I had to give up something in my life that was very dear to me. The reason I did it was because the choice came down to my stand with my faith. The other way would have been to blatantly disregard everything I know and have been taught. 

I read a quote by Roy Disney which said "It's not hard to make decisions if you know what your values are." It's not hard to know which decisions to make, it doesn't mean the decision will be easy. This choice I had to make affected my week greatly, it's not something I could quickly move past or forget. I've been continuing to dwell on the choice I had to make. 

Tuesday night I went to a service just for the ladies and it was about beautiful eyes. The verse is what struck me. Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 

There is a reason to think on such things. Dwelling on hurt, pain, and sadness take away from the beautiful eyes. You can see in someone's eyes when they are hurting, regardless of what they are saying or even of there is a smile on their face. I've done this before, I've smiled through the pain, I've  laughed through the hurt. 

When you look at the verse Phil 4:8, the best thing to do is think on these things. I could spend my days thinking of all the bad I see, of all the wrong that has been done to me, instead I will smile. I will think of my children's joy of going to Disneyland, the excitement of dipping my toes into the ocean. I will think of how grateful I am for being here and taking each breath and the beauty of each sunrise. These are the things I will think on.