Beauty from Ashes

I seem to have the most to say when I can't get any sleep. It's nearly midnight and I'm awake with pain that won't seem to go away. As I lay trying to find a comfortable position when the only one would be floating weightless, my mind starts to wander.
In church tonight I had to sit instead of stand during praise and worship, not usually a big deal, however when you are on stage it is. I felt as if my shins were on fire and the pain was nearly unbearable. This was only one of a few things that have been hindered in my life lately. My writing has been one of them. This thing that I love to do, that God has given me a gift and a talent for has been excruciatingly painful to do.
What do you do for God when you can't seem to do much at all? I see people my age going out and doing great things for God. Some of them pastors, missionaries, musicians, and I wish that I could be one of them. The thing is my life didn't take that direction, partly due to my own choices I made. Some choices were made out of idiocy and naivety, others out of necessity.
The thing is, the lives that you see aren't always what they appear. My Facebook doesn't reflect the pain that I have been in. It doesn't tell you the stress I have in my every day life. The pastors and missionaries have their own path to follow. There are some that have it great, and it's easy to follow God when things are going great. It's easy to be a light to others when life is peachy.
What I am supposed to do? The thing is I trust God, and even though I'm sitting in a lot of pain, and I don't know what the future holds I still trust Him. To be completely honest I worry, about what this means for my future. Will I be able to take a pen to paper and just write? All my hopes and dreams for the future, what does this do for them?
The thing is, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. My gift, my calling, what I am supposed to do for God gets better with everything He sees me through. I've been through a lot in a few short years and I keep going through things. We all go through things, and at the end of the day I can say that God is in control.
For all the pain I feel, for every hurt I have been through, it doesn't stop me. Here I am and I'm going to use this pain for God's glory. I know that life can be hard, I have experienced abuse and now I sit in pain and I will still say, God can use me. There is never a point in our lives when we have gone so far that God can't use us. We are not useless, no matter what our hurt, no matter what pain is holding us back, physically or mentally. All it takes is a willing heart.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

Fear of the unknown

I have not had many words to write lately, that's because the ones I have been hearing have not been all that great. "We don't know what it is exactly." "Try this medication, see if it works." My life has been consumed by pain for a while now and I can tell you it's not fun.
As I sit here and type I can feel the pain in my arms. After my 4th trip to the doctor, an MRI, and blood-work they gave 3 possibilities of what it could be. None of them are particularly wonderful things, however none of them are life threatening.
I have had many differing opinions from friends and family. Ranging from "Is it in your head?" to "Are you sure it's not this?" While I appreciate the care and concern it's come to a point where I want to hide out and not talk to anyone. Have I thought about it being all in my head? Of course I have, when you have nothing definitive that you can see it's something you think about. Have I thought it could be something else? Absolutely, because I don't want to deal with this pain and the simple things would be awesome compared to the options I have been given.
After a scary day yesterday I was almost sure that I was losing my mind. I was sure that they had missed something big and I cried. Anyone who knows me well knows that I rarely cry. I don't like to cry, it's not particulary pretty, and it doesn't solve anything. I've been through a lot in my life, even though I would venture to say it's not as much as others. In my life there have been things that I would't wish upon anyone. I have cried, but for most of it I held it in. I had two miscarriages and I wasn't allowed to cry, to grieve the children I had lost. I have had pain but I was able to move forward.
I can't type much more because of the pain but there is one thing I can hold onto. God is my strength and he has promised that he will and can handle all of this.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.

What's wrong with me?

I haven't posted for a while, not because I haven't been writing but because sometimes there are things that are better left off the internet. I have done a lot of soul searching lately, a lot of it due to the fact that I am re-entering the dating scene. I wasn't ever really in it before so it's all new and I've already decided that I don't like it. There are a lot of fake people and pretend going on. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm not fake.
I have a bad habit of thinking people are judging me, talking about me when they aren't. I know that we judge people the minute we look at them. It's that cursory glance that tells us about the person regardless of what we may think.
On the outside it may seem like I have it all together. Your first glance of me I am usually put together, nice clothes, jewelry, and makeup. I usually have a smile on my face because I am usually happy. I have my moments but I learned a long time ago that if you want to be happy you have to make that choice. I don't see the point in being upset all the time, it only frustrates me. This is the picture that people see on the outside. When you walk by me in the store or if you haven't met me you might think that my life is great because of what you see. It's all a mirage!
What you can't see, I'm selfish. I wear those nice clothes, jewelry and makeup because I like to look nice and I want people to see me as pretty. I am a selfish person, it's hard for me to think of others first. I have to stop and redirect my thinking in order to think of others. I catch myself doing it and I beat myself up for it. Why? I love to be the center of attention. My family and anyone else who has known me for even a little while could probably tell you that. I was made to be a star and since I'm not a celebrity I must get your attention some way.
I'm a perfectionist, not in everything but in most things. If I set out to do something I have to do it absolutely and to the best, better than anyone else or it's not worth doing. Which is probably why I hate housework because you can never get it absolutely done and I think I would go nuts trying to do so.
I am stubborn, once I get my mind set on something I am set on it. I may talk about doing something for a while but when I decide that I'm going to do it, get out of my way because that's what I'm doing.
So you may ask, why would I decide to tell the whole world about my faults? Because of my good traits, I'm genuine and transparent. I have all these things that look good on the outside and I am a kind person, I honestly want to make others happy and don't mean to hurt anyone but these things get in the way of my good traits when I don't want them too. I've also learned that I'm not perfect, (blow to the perfectionist), and no one else is either.
We all have things about us that lay hidden that we just wait for someone to find out and not like us because of it. We are sure that when our faults come out our friends will stop liking us, our loves will stop loving us. It is a fear that all of us carry and everyone is so afraid to say it that no one does and everyone holds on to the pain and fear. As the great Dr. Suess says, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
So here I am with all my faults, laid out for the world to see. Maybe it's another one of my faults, that I'm real. I spent so long trying to hide my life from everyone. I said that my life was great, and everything was okay, and it was not. My smile is real, my love is real, and my friendship is real. The clothes, jewelry, car; it's just stuff, anybody can have stuff. I want to live a life that is full of real. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.

Somebody had a bad day

I often write posts that are upbeat and most often uplifting, or so I would hope. I do not often write posts that speak of hurt or pain unless I am already over it. This blog however is called Life in Pieces. It would not be fair to only share the good pieces when there are bad ones as well. We all have those days, moments, sometimes even weeks when it's just bad.
It's the time when you just want to take a pan of brownies, and a tub of ice cream and eat to your hearts content. When you put on a sappy movie just to sit and cry. The worst of my moment was last night, it was late and no one else was up. I know I have plenty of friends to lean on for support but for the moment I wanted to sit in my misery. I didn't want to be cheered up or told that it would all work out.
Those who saw me yesterday saw a happy, even cheerful person and that was true. I didn't hide my true feelings behind a facade. I was truly a happy person yesterday morning. There is not one single thing that led to my misery. It was a cumulation of over a year and half of a journey that should not have taken that long.  Then when I looked back I realized it was much longer than a year and seven months, it was 9 years and 3 months. A third of my life gone. I can't go back and change the past, and there are some things that I wouldn't want too. I mourn for the life that I never had, for the way I wished things had been. It feels like a tremendous waste of time.
I have so much to be thankful for and I don't take that for granted. At the same time I'm just a person and I have bad days. The past year and seven months has had so many ups and downs it's like a bad roller coaster. You scream to get off and no one hears you, it's enough to make you hurl. Why do I share this?
The reason I have to share is because my life is about transparency. I hid my life for so many years while it was at it's worst and I learned something from that. Don't do it, don't hid it. There are so many people who are going through the same thing or perhaps even worse but we try to keep up this image. We want others to see us as perfect, wonderful, and without flaws.
So here it is, Divorce sucks!!!! I truly did not want to get a divorce but I couldn't continue living my life that way. The process of divorce sucks, going to court sucks, paying a lawyer sucks. I enjoyed being married because of the word married. When people ask how I'm doing with it I don't really know how to answer. I'm glad because this long journey is finally over, I'm not glad that I had to do it. I'm not happy that my children don't get a Dad who is there for them. I'm not happy that I come home to an empty house. I'm glad that my children and I are safe. I'm glad that I am free to be me, that I can write, sing, and learn without hindrance. I'm glad that my children are surrounded with people who love them and nurture them.
For those of you who want to know how I feel about it, there it is. I'm just so tired; I've been pushed off the roller coaster, dragged through the mud and the muck, then told to get up and smile. We all have our journey's to go through and this is part of mine. It was because of choices I made but it doesn't make it any easier. Now that I have thrown my pity party for the world to see I'm done. Life keeps going and so must I. Children, work, school, and housework; they all continue on. I choose to live my life with a smile and joy because I have so much more to be thankful for than not. At the end of the day I will be okay, I know this because I know this; "The joy of the Lord is my strength and my shield." Psalm 28:7 NIV