Beauty from Ashes

I seem to have the most to say when I can't get any sleep. It's nearly midnight and I'm awake with pain that won't seem to go away. As I lay trying to find a comfortable position when the only one would be floating weightless, my mind starts to wander.
In church tonight I had to sit instead of stand during praise and worship, not usually a big deal, however when you are on stage it is. I felt as if my shins were on fire and the pain was nearly unbearable. This was only one of a few things that have been hindered in my life lately. My writing has been one of them. This thing that I love to do, that God has given me a gift and a talent for has been excruciatingly painful to do.
What do you do for God when you can't seem to do much at all? I see people my age going out and doing great things for God. Some of them pastors, missionaries, musicians, and I wish that I could be one of them. The thing is my life didn't take that direction, partly due to my own choices I made. Some choices were made out of idiocy and naivety, others out of necessity.
The thing is, the lives that you see aren't always what they appear. My Facebook doesn't reflect the pain that I have been in. It doesn't tell you the stress I have in my every day life. The pastors and missionaries have their own path to follow. There are some that have it great, and it's easy to follow God when things are going great. It's easy to be a light to others when life is peachy.
What I am supposed to do? The thing is I trust God, and even though I'm sitting in a lot of pain, and I don't know what the future holds I still trust Him. To be completely honest I worry, about what this means for my future. Will I be able to take a pen to paper and just write? All my hopes and dreams for the future, what does this do for them?
The thing is, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. My gift, my calling, what I am supposed to do for God gets better with everything He sees me through. I've been through a lot in a few short years and I keep going through things. We all go through things, and at the end of the day I can say that God is in control.
For all the pain I feel, for every hurt I have been through, it doesn't stop me. Here I am and I'm going to use this pain for God's glory. I know that life can be hard, I have experienced abuse and now I sit in pain and I will still say, God can use me. There is never a point in our lives when we have gone so far that God can't use us. We are not useless, no matter what our hurt, no matter what pain is holding us back, physically or mentally. All it takes is a willing heart.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

100th BLOG!!!!

This blog should be one of celebration and that has amazing things to say. I have nothing amazing to say on this day. I don't have a whole lot of great things to say at all. I try to keep my blogs upbeat and I write when something hits me that needs to be said, something that if I don't speak up I will burst. There hasn't been much for me lately and I've purposely stayed away from my computer the last week, because my heart hurts.
I've had only one relationship since my divorce, and it ended last week. To see the two of us it would seem that things were perfect, and it was a wonderful relationship. It nearly was. He was kind and sweet and out of the pages of a book. Even at the very end he was a true gentleman. It would have been amazing, except the thing that couldn't be changed.
Today I feel like I may remain single for the rest of my life. It's not that I don't want to have a relationship, but looking at my life and the way things work it seems like it's the easiest thing to do. The great writers, Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott ended their days alone, I dare say they would not have been as great of writers if they had gotten married. Am I destined to be alone to follow the call of the pen? Or perhaps my day to shine as a writer has just not come yet, maybe with time and a little more life experience the words will flow.
I was once told by a mentor of mine that I was set apart. It's not an easy thing to hear when you see people around you doing what they want to do, enjoying life without second thought. There are days that I wish my life was that easy. The purpose of this is not to say that I'm better than anyone, because I know that I'm not and my clearly human flaws are evident. The whole premise of being "set apart" is because of what I know, and what God has brought me through in my life.
I survived my marriage, but just barely. The girl who came out of it was quiet and scared, and had learned not to trust anyone. I was being overtaken by the pain and if it continued much longer I can't say that I would have survived. God brought me through it, and not only did I survive, I thrived. The woman that I am today is not afraid to speak up, not afraid of what people can do, because I know God can do bigger.
Being "set apart" means more then just not following the crowd, I've never been one to follow the crowd and sometimes that has lead to problems for me. Set apart means to follow God, even if everyone else thinks it's all fine and dandy, doesn't mean it's right for me. I can't do what I feel in my heart is wrong, because at the end of the day I'm the one who has to stand before God and justify my actions, not anyone else's.
This isn't out of my own strength that I am able to hear what God has to say and listen. It's not because I'm so great of a Christian. The only thing I can attribute it to is knowing His word, there are so many people that will tell you what to do. There are tons of books on what God wants you to do with your life, how to live a godly life. When it comes down to it, there is only 1 book that you need to read, over and over again, until you get the picture, it's the Bible. When you are in it, the question of what do I do with my life doesn't exist. You know what to do with your life.
For a little while I got lost, I felt confused and I doubted what God wanted to do in my life. This great thing happened and I found myself in His word. I know what to do with my life, and right now it's to seek after God. To continue to be of service where I can, to live a life that reflects His love to others, and keep writing.