Hope for Humanity

I don't watch the news, and many people I have talked to feel the same way. Why watch the news when all we see is depressing and make us want to hide ourselves away from those around us. I hear enough every day to wonder what has become of community and neighbors. We drive around in cars and think that they are a buffer from us and consequences. Yelling at the driver that cut you off because he can't hear you doesn't mean he can't see you. Asking the neighbors to turn down the noise at a loud party isn't something we do anymore, you never know how they are going to react.
We are too afraid of what could happen, we don't know our neighbors, we are afraid that the man walking along the street will kill us if we let him in our car. Don't lie, we've all had that thought.
I remember the day when I used to run around the streets where I lived with the neighbor kids. We would go all through the area and we didn't worry. As long as we were home by dinner time we were fine. We rode our bikes, we played in the tree house, we weren't afraid of the neighbors, we knew who they were.
There are things going around the internet, stories of people in everyday life who do extraordinary things. The thing is all of these things are not so extraordinary, it's that it's rare. It gives up hope that not all of the world is headed for despair. With the Holiday season coming upon us, people seem to be in a much better mood. We see the world through rose colored glasses. That is until we are in a crowded shopping mall headed for that very last toy racing against the other mothers and fathers.
Can we live in a world with where there is peace and love all year long? Where we don't have to wait until Thanksgiving and Christmas to show the world around us that we care. I've never done anything worthy of the internet acts of kindness, but I would hope that my daily life would be kind no matter what. I will teach my kids to live in a way that is kind to others, and while I know that there are things we do to be safe, we have to remember we're all human. Showing kindness in every day life can go a long way.

Missing Christmas

I can't tell you what I did two weeks ago, I barely remember that I had days off around that time. The hustle and bustle of Christmas overtook my life, not to mention all the other life events. Today was the first day in weeks that I was able to stop, take a breath, and look around. In all my effort preparing for the holidays I got so lost in it. It probably didn't help that my days were cut short by having to work the entire Christmas weekend (a known, yet hard part of my job).  When I was finally able to breathe, I was heartbroken over what I missed.

I spent so much time preparing for Christmas, shopping, doing Christmas crafts, cooking. In the end I felt like I missed Christmas. My family was amazing and did their best to spend the time they had with me. My children were upset at first, but they were easily distracted by cousins and presents. This was the first time I've been away from my family on Christmas and it was harder than I anticipated. We have done things similarly for years, so I can picture it in my head. The Christmas dinner, everyone gathered around the table, talking long after the food is done, the children begging to open presents. Finally, as it seems like ages to the children, the adults get up and make their way to the living room. The kids are ready to bust open the presents but must wait, for the reading of the story, to remember why everyone is gathered in the first place. Dad reads the story as the kids wait in relentless anticipation for him to be done. The story finished the prayer is said, the kids rush to the tree, hoping to hand out the presents. The older ones who can read get the job, and they try not to confuse the Grandparents with the Greats. Once the presents are past out the kids run to their piles, excited to see what's inside. They rush through with ooh's and ah's over the gifts they have been given. The adults take their time and are still going long after the kids are done. 

The presents open the kids rush off to play with their new toys and their cousins. They disappear, only to reemerge when something is wrong or it's getting dark. As the dark settles early, the games come out. Kids on the floor with one game and an aunt or uncle, others at the table with cards. The laughter can be heard throughout the house as Grandpa and Grandma look on with smiles. The fireplace gives the room a warm glow, making even the trashed wrapping remains look beautiful. 

The real truth is I didn't miss Christmas, I missed my family, I missed the atmosphere of the day. We've done Christmas other places, other ways, but the one thing that has always been the same is the love. I've never had a bad Christmas with my family, I've never dreaded seeing them. It's always a joy and a pleasure when I get to be around them. I am forever grateful for my family, for those who love me enough to be there, year after year, through thick and thin, even when times are hard. While I didn't get to share the magic of this Christmas, I am blessed with other wonderful memories I have made through the years.

A baby changes everything

The littlest things can make you stop and reflect on your life. For me it just happened to be doing laundry, not the washing part but the folding part that most dislike doing. My children have suddenly decided to sprout on me and outgrow many of their clothes, which is the reason I was checking tags and eyeing arm and leg length on each garment. After a moment of panic at the amount of clothing I would need to replace I started to reminisce of when they were little.
Gone are the baby clothes, blankets, and many accessories that come with them. Perhaps its because of all the babies around me that I have suddenly started to notice. I'm going to be an aunt for the 6th time, any day now, my friend has a foster baby straight from the hospital, and with Christmas we remember the most important baby.
Babies and Christmas are hard for me, I love babies and I love Christmas, don't get me wrong. I am currently sitting with my fully decorated tree in front of me and Christmas songs on the radio, and I am  blessed by the babies in my life. The hard part is something that will always stay with me at Christmas time and it's because of a choice I made 5 years ago.
Christmas eve of 2007 I sat in the ultrasound office, I knew that something was wrong. I was 7 weeks pregnant, two weeks earlier I had been there and seen the babies heart beat. I spotted all throughout the pregnancy and the doctor couldn't do anything but set the appointment to quell my fears. It didn't work however, instead it did just the opposite. The worst that I feared had come true, the babies heart beat had stopped. There was nothing more that I could do then go home and try and be strong for my little boy. I wasn't able to stop and grieve because life had to keep going.
I don't regret being strong for my son that Christmas, when I look back at all the things that were set in motion by that day I am thankful that I was able to go on. I would not have my beautiful daughter, born at Christmas time if I hadn't.
 I have the comfort of knowing that even though I don't get to know my children here on earth I will see them in heaven. While my heart breaks for what I have lost I am so grateful for the children I have.
A baby changes everything, before he was born, before I knew him, that baby changed everything in my life. He was my Christmas miracle before I realized that I needed it.