Why wait?

"You are never going to get a date that way!" "You are a prude!" "No one lives by those old fashioned values anymore." "You've already done it anyway." These statements were made from men who pronounced to be Christian on dating websites. I thought for sure that these men would hold the same values that I did, but it seemed I was way off.
Why would anyone say such a thing? Because I stood up for myself and what I believe in. In August of last year I went along with my youth girls to a purity conference. The speaker was amazing and she had a lot to say about what God wants to do in our lives. I already knew that I had taken the wrong path when I was younger, that lead me to make bad decisions. I have received not so nice feed back from many who are shocked at my current choice.
In August I stood behind my youth girls and I made the same choice and commitment that they did. Why? Because I'm in the same place. It doesn't matter that I'm divorced and have two kids, my choice to remain pure until marriage is still valid. It's not an easy stand to make, but what matters is when the person is right they will honor that.
I told a co-worker that I was having the religion talk with someone who I was interested in, her response was surprising to me. "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about religion in a relationship." After I picked my jaw up on the floor I had to answer what I learned to be true. You can't have a relationship without that conversation. Each person is different, values are different, there will be fights and some you will be able to get over easily. There are fundamental values that you can't change, what a person believes deep down will not go away. If you choose to not have that conversation, then what are you basing your relationship on? The mutual attraction that can fade with time and age on the body? There is so much more to what two lives intertwined mean.
My exes favorite line was "Sex has nothing to do with love." I heard it over and over and after while it became true. It was no longer out of love but out of duty. The truth is, it has everything to do with love. You give a piece of yourself, it makes your emotions kick something up to the next notch when it might not be worth your time. If anything is worth your time it will be that way without it. It's not the main event, it's not even the goal, it's part of the package.
Everyone has feelings and I won't deny that I do but I also know that I'm not alone. This choice is something that not everyone understands, and if they don't then that's on them. No matter what the person you have to face at the end of the day is you. If you can stand and know you can present yourself to God, you've done an amazing thing.

Scars of the Past

I've been struggling for a little while with a piece of my past that refuses to go away. It is labeled on me and it does not reflect who I am but I can't change it and I can't take it away. It would cost a considerable amount of money to get rid of it and it would be painful. What I speak of is my tattoo. This tattoo I got was supposed to be a fairy, because I wanted to be free to be me. I just wanted to show the world that I could fly away. Perhaps it was because I dreamt about being free, to just be me.

The "Fairy" didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I spent 3 hours under the needle, and I didn't cry once. I wanted to show that I was tough and I could do it. It was a sign of strength that I was shown respect for a short time for. That day was short lived and to this day I can't really tell you why I got it. It was one of those I thought I wanted to do, I thought it would be cool.

Cool is the last thing I think of when I see my tattoo. It's not like I can even see it, I got it on my back and everyone else can see it. When I do see I think of where I was at in my life then. I was over weight and unhappy with my life. I didn't want to get a tattoo in area where I would be ashamed to show someone and I thought my best bet was my back. I didn't think it was going to be as large as it is. I wanted something small but the "artist" got carried away.

I've had it for 5 years now, why should it bother me all of a sudden? When I think about my future and where I want my life to go I don't want my past to follow me. I have this huge target on my back that says I have made mistakes. It's fitting in a way, this tattoo takes it's place squarely on my back and even though I put the past behind me, it will always be there. I can't hide who I was, or where I have been and it's impossible to forget.

I want to stand in a beautiful gown with a regular back and not have wings peeking out. I want to show the world that I am new and pure once more. My heart has been restored, my purity given back to me but it still will never be the same. I gave a piece of myself to someone who didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart because I can't take it back and give it to someone who does.

So whenever someone asks about my tattoo I will give them the same story, this once fairy has gone through a transformation. This fairy is a girl, broken, beaten, and abused. She is now humbly bowing before her God and king offering the only life that she has left.