His Eye is on the Sparrow

There are days I get in my car and I blast my tunes. I have hundreds of songs in my playlist and I will skip through until I find ones that I can sing along with. 

The song "His eye is on the sparrow" came on and I started to sing. It's a slow start but there is a point in the song where it really picks up. 'I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free.' When I think about freedom I think of all the freedoms this life affords. The freedoms that we are watching being slowly stripped away in front of us. While I am grateful for them, nowhere in the Bible does it talk about them. 

Instead we see Daniel who was told if he prayed to God he would be thrown into the lions den. In the same book we see 3 guys get thrown into the fiery furnace for refusing to bow to a false God. Paul and Silas were thrown in prison for taking away a rich man's fortune telling money maker. In each one of these examples, the men were aware that they could be put to death or imprisoned. They still followed God. They were imprisoned by man, but with God they were free. 

Think about that for a moment. What is it that makes you free? What is it that creates the freedom in your life? Our freedoms are taken for granted but there is one that can never be taken away. No matter what happens in these uncertain days, there is always one thing that is certain. 

"Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, and today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 

What am I praying

Every night before they go to bed my kids gather around to say their bed time prayers. They pray for the day to go well and for mom and brother or sister. This is a routine we go through every night, every night their prayers are the same. There is a child like faith in their prayers, at the same time when they prayer they are merely reciting the same words that they know.
We offer up our prayers of petition and repetition. We pray the same things over and over again. Some things we are able to move on in life when we see them come to fruition. Other things we will end up praying time and time again. As a child we did our family devotions and my mom would tell us the prayer requests. We would go around and say our prayers and we would always pray for 3 specific people. Our prayers would change due to circumstance in life but for many years we prayed for the same 3 people over and over again. One of them I know her situation has not really changed, and it is not one where she will all of a sudden get better. It's been over 20 years since we started praying for her.
Our prayers reflect our hearts, and its obvious regardless of your walk with God that you can see it played out in your prayers. I try to do my prayers every day, and for me I write them. I've been told when you write things down the angels can run with it. I hope they run with my prayers. Being an avid journalist, and writing down the date every day I can see each day my prayers. They change from day to day, sometimes better then others. For a long time I would pray for my children and myself, only for things that would benefit me. I was gently reminded that prayer is not just our free stuff from God line. We pray for our own selfish needs expecting them to be answered, expecting what we want, when we want it. It's like God is our genie in a bottle, your prayer is my command. There is so much more to prayer, it is about bringing the needs of others before Him.
My prayers have started to change once more, to pray for those who can't benefit me in any way. For those who I may never know what will happen in their lives. I say this not to lift myself up or boast, but as a reminder for myself that I'm not the only one who needs prayer.
It's amazing when you let God do things in your life. I was having a bad time at the grocery store and I was in tears, which for me is rare. A woman came up to me and asked me if she could pray for me, she didn't know me at all, didn't know my faith or anything. I said yes, my personal opinion is to never turn down a prayer, ever! I will take, anywhere, anyhow, because I can use all the God help I can get. The woman prayed for me in the store and I was blessed and to this day I remember her simple act. A co-worker prayed for me and even though they were unaware of my situation, the words they said brought truth and healing in my life.
I'm grateful, for every prayer that has been said for me. Every heart that has ever gone to God on my behalf. For every tear that was shed over my future. Thank you to those who have prayed and lifted me up. I am only the person that I am today because of the grace of God and the prayers of others.

For help on how or what to pray click here

Where did the time go?

It's the time of year when I sit back and reflect where I am and where I am going. I do this every year because by the time my birthday rolls around I have long forgotten whatever it is I decided my new years resolution was. It's more than a yearly thing, it's like taking stock of what I have done with my life for the last too many years. When I was 14 I was sure that 30 was really old, and even at that age many of my friends thought they would die before they turned 30, they didn't. I am not yet 30, still have a couple of years but as it gets closer I don't dread it or fear it. Sadly enough there are a few who think I'm already there, but I promise I'm not.
There were so many things that I wanted to do by the time I got to my age, I wanted to have a book published, I wanted to travel the world, and I was not going to get married until I turned 30 (at least that's what I told my aunt.) All my dreams and aspirations as a young girl turned into unfulfilled hopes. I still have so much that I have accomplished and that is what I have to remember. I gave a year and a half of my life growing a new life inside of me. I spent 3 years learning about nutrition and how the body processes each thing. I spent another year and a half fighting for the safety of the children I gave birth too. I pushed through 8 months of weight loss to total 100 pounds and continue to keep it off another 3 years. For 9 years I have gone to work to support myself and my family. 
My birthday this year is different, the others past by with little notice and once gone I had forgotten. Those years seem lost in the chaos that was my life. It seemed all of a sudden I looked up and saw 30 looming over me much closer than before, no longer was I mid 20's, it just changed. The hours in the day don't change, the sun doesn't go to bed any sooner, however each day we spend on this earth the days pass by faster. I think of my son who just had his birthday a few months ago, yet he already wants it to be here. The months pass by so slowly at that age, the time we've had is so short that each day seems like forever.
When you look at it that way it totally explains the verse 2 Peter 3:8 "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." With all of time and space behind you, a thousand years is not a long time. It's not something I prefer to try and fathom, I tried it before and it's not easy. At the age of 9 I would take my bible and lay next to the door in my room to get the light from the hall. I would read the bible, I think part of it was I figured if my parents caught me they couldn't get mad at me for reading the bible, that wasn't true. When I didn't get caught I would read, at that young age Revelations intrigued me. I would read it and think about infinity, never ending time. I do not suggest trying it, while the thought on the surface is cool, we are going to live forever, the deeper meaning is scary. Because of my Type-A personality I thought I was always doing something wrong and that I needed to be perfect to get into heaven. This translated into the thought of spending eternity in hell, which probably explains why some things do not phase me now, there is not much scarier than that. 
These things I know, that I don't have to be perfect, no matter how hard I try I can't be. If you've met me, you know that I'm not. The only thing I know is that I love God and accept his son as my Savior. This is my guarantee, my free ticket if you will, that at the end of all things I will stand and do the only thing I can. It's my job to live my life to reflect God's love. I'm not the image itself, just a mirror that can be cracked and broken, when that happens I let him put the pieces back together. 

The best things in life

I spent some time re-evaluating what is the most important to me. It was kind of like an audit on where I was spending my time and I found it wasn't going where I wanted it too. I know that I have enough time in my day to do the things that matter the most but the question is do I really do them?
My biggest foe seemed to be Facebook, so I took a break. It took over a week to stop mentally Facebook status posting. There are far too many things to do in this world that do not involve Facebook. It is one of the many things that like others we must remember in moderation. I love to stay updated with my family and friends and I feel connected on Facebook. I found that there is a false sense of friendship on Facebook. I have a number of friends, but the number that took the time to share with me off of Facebook was surprisingly low. Does that say something about me as a friend?
What did I fill my time with? I found that I was missing out on great opportunities with my kids. I am making this summer one that is full of memories. I look forward to what fun we are going to have. It's about having fun and making memories. I want my kids to have memories of mom that don't involve her going to work. I want to make memories that they can share with their kids. I want to have memories of them when they are young and the fun that we had together.
I found that this time without Facebook was better for my writing than any other time. It's been a long time since I've actually written new material and I've been able to start a book. I found the words pouring out of me and that was so inspiring. I don't know how long it will take to finish this book, for me it's the first one that I'm dedicated to getting into the hands of a publisher. It's a big step for me but as my dad says, "The worst they can say is no." That is what I hold onto when I take each step, if I do nothing then it's the same as a no, one day they will say yes.
The other thing I discovered was time for me. It's not an easy thing to do as a single mom but it's necessary. I love my kids but there is a time when I have to do things on my own. It's a journey that I'm learning to take. I learned that I love my life. I have a great support network, a great job, wonderful kids, and freedom. Freedom to do all the things that matter the most. Free to spend the time with my kids, free to spend my own time, and free to write.
There is something amazing about sitting down and watching the words flow through your pen to the paper. I tried to write using the computer and typing it up, it's not the same. It's the right pen, the notebook paper, and the moment. These things are the best things in life. In a way I could say my life is simple, I don't ask for much because I already know I have the best. 

Scars of the Past

I've been struggling for a little while with a piece of my past that refuses to go away. It is labeled on me and it does not reflect who I am but I can't change it and I can't take it away. It would cost a considerable amount of money to get rid of it and it would be painful. What I speak of is my tattoo. This tattoo I got was supposed to be a fairy, because I wanted to be free to be me. I just wanted to show the world that I could fly away. Perhaps it was because I dreamt about being free, to just be me.

The "Fairy" didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I spent 3 hours under the needle, and I didn't cry once. I wanted to show that I was tough and I could do it. It was a sign of strength that I was shown respect for a short time for. That day was short lived and to this day I can't really tell you why I got it. It was one of those I thought I wanted to do, I thought it would be cool.

Cool is the last thing I think of when I see my tattoo. It's not like I can even see it, I got it on my back and everyone else can see it. When I do see I think of where I was at in my life then. I was over weight and unhappy with my life. I didn't want to get a tattoo in area where I would be ashamed to show someone and I thought my best bet was my back. I didn't think it was going to be as large as it is. I wanted something small but the "artist" got carried away.

I've had it for 5 years now, why should it bother me all of a sudden? When I think about my future and where I want my life to go I don't want my past to follow me. I have this huge target on my back that says I have made mistakes. It's fitting in a way, this tattoo takes it's place squarely on my back and even though I put the past behind me, it will always be there. I can't hide who I was, or where I have been and it's impossible to forget.

I want to stand in a beautiful gown with a regular back and not have wings peeking out. I want to show the world that I am new and pure once more. My heart has been restored, my purity given back to me but it still will never be the same. I gave a piece of myself to someone who didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart because I can't take it back and give it to someone who does.

So whenever someone asks about my tattoo I will give them the same story, this once fairy has gone through a transformation. This fairy is a girl, broken, beaten, and abused. She is now humbly bowing before her God and king offering the only life that she has left.