Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.

Scars of the Past

I've been struggling for a little while with a piece of my past that refuses to go away. It is labeled on me and it does not reflect who I am but I can't change it and I can't take it away. It would cost a considerable amount of money to get rid of it and it would be painful. What I speak of is my tattoo. This tattoo I got was supposed to be a fairy, because I wanted to be free to be me. I just wanted to show the world that I could fly away. Perhaps it was because I dreamt about being free, to just be me.

The "Fairy" didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I spent 3 hours under the needle, and I didn't cry once. I wanted to show that I was tough and I could do it. It was a sign of strength that I was shown respect for a short time for. That day was short lived and to this day I can't really tell you why I got it. It was one of those I thought I wanted to do, I thought it would be cool.

Cool is the last thing I think of when I see my tattoo. It's not like I can even see it, I got it on my back and everyone else can see it. When I do see I think of where I was at in my life then. I was over weight and unhappy with my life. I didn't want to get a tattoo in area where I would be ashamed to show someone and I thought my best bet was my back. I didn't think it was going to be as large as it is. I wanted something small but the "artist" got carried away.

I've had it for 5 years now, why should it bother me all of a sudden? When I think about my future and where I want my life to go I don't want my past to follow me. I have this huge target on my back that says I have made mistakes. It's fitting in a way, this tattoo takes it's place squarely on my back and even though I put the past behind me, it will always be there. I can't hide who I was, or where I have been and it's impossible to forget.

I want to stand in a beautiful gown with a regular back and not have wings peeking out. I want to show the world that I am new and pure once more. My heart has been restored, my purity given back to me but it still will never be the same. I gave a piece of myself to someone who didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart because I can't take it back and give it to someone who does.

So whenever someone asks about my tattoo I will give them the same story, this once fairy has gone through a transformation. This fairy is a girl, broken, beaten, and abused. She is now humbly bowing before her God and king offering the only life that she has left.