Change

My life has been full of change lately. It seems that in doing the next right thing I have had to take steps that I didn't expect but knew I had to. Today I am posting from a new computer because after hours of frustration I wanted to throw my old one out the window and nearly did. It's one of those things that you know you need but you put it off as long as possible because you want to get as much as you can out of what you have. A computer was needed but I could think of so many other things to spend money on.
I am writing for the first time from my own place. It's a wonderful home for me and my kids and we are all happy here. It has been a big transition for all of us but day by day we are making it work and learning to live just with each other.
I have been faced with many things in the last few weeks and I had to get a check in my spirit to see where I was really at. I was starting to get angry and revengeful when I shouldn't have. I don't need to further pain anyone even if they have hurt me. It's been a long few weeks and to be sitting here right now just in the place that I am is wonderful. I have more hope for tomorrow, more joy for the morning, and nothing has changed. It could look worse as a matter of fact but it doesn't.
Sunday morning Pastor Bill talked about how our focus dictates our reality. It is so true, when I focus on the pain and the hurt it makes me angry and bitter. When I focus on what I have, my children, the love and support of my family and church it gives me peace and hope.
God has brought me through more than I ever imagined. It's been 10 months and I have to say that I didn't picture my life like this. I could not have told you when I left what my life was going to look like but I know it was not this. I had such faith that it would turn around that things would change but I didn't know how to pray for it.
I only knew that I did what I had to do and I needed to keep me and my kids safe. It was a hard choice to make and if there was another way I would have gladly embraced it. It's unfortunate that not all things can work out for the best. We think in our own human minds that we know what the best is for us when really we don't.
I realize there is still some pain that I hold inside. There are things that have not healed from the deepest parts of me. They say the best way to heal is to bring it out and share it. That is a scary thing to do. It's not about saying what we think others should hear. It's about bringing out the truth from the very depths of your soul. Whatever pain, whatever hurt it is the truth will set you free. God has done great things and no matter how you have been hurt or how you have been wronged God knows. The only thing that we can do is realize it and be willing. There is no way to forgive in our own human power, it is only by the Grace of God that it can be done.