If you didn't know, then I will tell you now, I was in an abusive marriage. I tell myself that it didn't start out that way, but looking back I see there was something there to start with. I felt alone and abandoned in a room full of people. There was so much pain that I pushed it down, ate it away, and let my life go with the flow. There were days when I would cry, but no one outside of my house would see it happen. I hid myself from the world, I was so beaten down with words that I felt I had lost all value.
Value, it is different than other things. You can lose your house, your car, your eyesight, or a limb; it still does not give you value. Value is in our very soul, it helps us to see ourselves as God sees us.
"Since You are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4 NIV
The first time I read this verse I was in a better place, I had already taken my steps to get out of the abusive relationship. I saw myself as thin, even good looking to a degree. I still questioned myself, how could anyone love me? I may be thin now, but I was fat before, I have 2 kids and stretch marks. I felt discarded, used up, and worthless. I could talk myself up a good game on the outside, but on the inside I was still trying to cover the pain, fill in the knife wounds that words had made to my heart. I was exhausted and tired, working a new job, being mom, and I was in the stairwell at work when God brought this verse back to me. I had read it in my devotions a day or two before and skimmed over it, with not much meaning.
That night in the stairwell I was searching for that love, that value, and I realized it was already there. I am precious, I am honored in His eyes, and He loves me. He loves me so much that He was willing to give others in my place, His Son in my place. This was over a year and ago, and little did I realize that it was just the beginning of my healing.
Now if life worked just the way I wanted it to, I would have been able to move on from there and never heard another word about it. The thing is that I'm a little stubborn (duh), and usually it takes me a little while to get the point. I continued about my life, and though I remembered those words I didn't let them ingrain themselves in my soul. Instead I was driven to my knees recently by sheer exhaustion, realization that I couldn't do it alone anymore.
In as much as I had given my life over to God, I wasn't trusting him to be my partner. I had to face things that no man could walk beside me with, things that were only for me. I didn't want to do it on my own, and I knew God was the only one who could walk beside me. I searched the heart of God to find myself. What I found was someone who had value, someone who's worth was not decided by anyone's perception or judgement. So I can be free to be me, to be the person who God created me to be. I am free to be a geek, a nerd, a mother, a friend, a woman. I hold on to the hope that someday God will give me the desire of my heart, but until then I will stand, with God by my side. This woman knows that she is one of great value and great worth, and while I am free to be me, I am not valueless, I am priceless.
Value, it is different than other things. You can lose your house, your car, your eyesight, or a limb; it still does not give you value. Value is in our very soul, it helps us to see ourselves as God sees us.
"Since You are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4 NIV
The first time I read this verse I was in a better place, I had already taken my steps to get out of the abusive relationship. I saw myself as thin, even good looking to a degree. I still questioned myself, how could anyone love me? I may be thin now, but I was fat before, I have 2 kids and stretch marks. I felt discarded, used up, and worthless. I could talk myself up a good game on the outside, but on the inside I was still trying to cover the pain, fill in the knife wounds that words had made to my heart. I was exhausted and tired, working a new job, being mom, and I was in the stairwell at work when God brought this verse back to me. I had read it in my devotions a day or two before and skimmed over it, with not much meaning.
That night in the stairwell I was searching for that love, that value, and I realized it was already there. I am precious, I am honored in His eyes, and He loves me. He loves me so much that He was willing to give others in my place, His Son in my place. This was over a year and ago, and little did I realize that it was just the beginning of my healing.
Now if life worked just the way I wanted it to, I would have been able to move on from there and never heard another word about it. The thing is that I'm a little stubborn (duh), and usually it takes me a little while to get the point. I continued about my life, and though I remembered those words I didn't let them ingrain themselves in my soul. Instead I was driven to my knees recently by sheer exhaustion, realization that I couldn't do it alone anymore.
In as much as I had given my life over to God, I wasn't trusting him to be my partner. I had to face things that no man could walk beside me with, things that were only for me. I didn't want to do it on my own, and I knew God was the only one who could walk beside me. I searched the heart of God to find myself. What I found was someone who had value, someone who's worth was not decided by anyone's perception or judgement. So I can be free to be me, to be the person who God created me to be. I am free to be a geek, a nerd, a mother, a friend, a woman. I hold on to the hope that someday God will give me the desire of my heart, but until then I will stand, with God by my side. This woman knows that she is one of great value and great worth, and while I am free to be me, I am not valueless, I am priceless.
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