Moving On

It's been 3 years since my life took a chaotic turn, a day when I imagined that somehow things would all work out, and it would be better. It never happens the way we plan, the things that we want in life are not necessarily what we get. Nearly 3 years to the day I found myself at the place where I started when this all began, physically only.
Many things have changed, I have so many more things going for me. I'm doing better in everything such as my job that I love. The only thing that is the same again, is going back. It's hard to go back, especially when you worked so hard to do things right. There is a point where you feel like you failed, because you couldn't do it on your own. It wasn't easy taking everything that I owned and moving it from a 3 bedroom house into 1 bedroom. It's been stressful, it's caused migraines and I've lost 4 pounds, without trying.
I've been optimistic about all of it, looking on the bright side because I know that it's going to be okay, eventually. I think about all the things I will be able to do with my kids, the money I will be able to save. I think about the help that I have, the ability to run to the store while the kids are sleeping, and I'm grateful. I know that it won't always be like this, just for now.
What's the plan? What are you going to do next? I can tell you that I don't really know. I have my thoughts and the desires of my heart but you can never be sure. I'm already so far gone from the person I thought I would be that I don't know where I will end up. I just know that I have to keep doing what I'm doing. Moving on. 

How much am I worth?

If you didn't know, then I will tell you now, I was in an abusive marriage. I tell myself that it didn't start out that way, but looking back I see there was something there to start with. I felt alone and abandoned in a room full of people. There was so much pain that I pushed it down, ate it away, and let my life go with the flow. There were days when I would cry, but no one outside of my house would see it happen. I hid myself from the world, I was so beaten down with words that I felt I had lost all value.
Value, it is different than other things. You can lose your house, your car, your eyesight, or a limb; it still does not give you value. Value is in our very soul, it helps us to see ourselves as God sees us.

"Since You are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4 NIV

The first time I read this verse I was in a better place, I had already taken my steps to get out of the abusive relationship. I saw myself as thin, even good looking to a degree. I still questioned myself, how could anyone love me? I may be thin now, but I was fat before, I have 2 kids and stretch marks. I felt discarded, used up, and worthless. I could talk myself up a good game on the outside, but on the inside I was still trying to cover the pain, fill in the knife wounds that words had made to my heart. I was exhausted and tired, working a new job, being mom, and I was in the stairwell at work when God brought this verse back to me. I had read it in my devotions a day or two before and skimmed over it, with not much meaning.
That night in the stairwell I was searching for that love, that value, and I realized it was already there. I am precious, I am honored in His eyes, and He loves me. He loves me so much that He was willing to give others in my place, His Son in my place. This was over a year and ago, and little did I realize that it was just the beginning of my healing.
Now if life worked just the way I wanted it to, I would have been able to move on from there and never heard another word about it. The thing is that I'm a little stubborn (duh), and usually it takes me a little while to get the point. I continued about my life, and though I remembered those words I didn't let them ingrain themselves in my soul. Instead I was driven to my knees recently by sheer exhaustion, realization that I couldn't do it alone anymore.
In as much as I had given my life over to God, I wasn't trusting him to be my partner. I had to face things that no man could walk beside me with, things that were only for me. I didn't want to do it on my own, and I knew God was the only one who could walk beside me. I searched the heart of God to find myself. What I found was someone who had value, someone who's worth was not decided by anyone's perception or judgement. So I can be free to be me, to be the person who God created me to be. I am free to be a geek, a nerd, a mother, a friend, a woman. I hold on to the hope that someday God will give me the desire of my heart, but until then I will stand, with God by my side. This woman knows that she is one of great value and great worth, and while I am free to be me, I am not valueless, I am priceless.

The best things in life

I spent some time re-evaluating what is the most important to me. It was kind of like an audit on where I was spending my time and I found it wasn't going where I wanted it too. I know that I have enough time in my day to do the things that matter the most but the question is do I really do them?
My biggest foe seemed to be Facebook, so I took a break. It took over a week to stop mentally Facebook status posting. There are far too many things to do in this world that do not involve Facebook. It is one of the many things that like others we must remember in moderation. I love to stay updated with my family and friends and I feel connected on Facebook. I found that there is a false sense of friendship on Facebook. I have a number of friends, but the number that took the time to share with me off of Facebook was surprisingly low. Does that say something about me as a friend?
What did I fill my time with? I found that I was missing out on great opportunities with my kids. I am making this summer one that is full of memories. I look forward to what fun we are going to have. It's about having fun and making memories. I want my kids to have memories of mom that don't involve her going to work. I want to make memories that they can share with their kids. I want to have memories of them when they are young and the fun that we had together.
I found that this time without Facebook was better for my writing than any other time. It's been a long time since I've actually written new material and I've been able to start a book. I found the words pouring out of me and that was so inspiring. I don't know how long it will take to finish this book, for me it's the first one that I'm dedicated to getting into the hands of a publisher. It's a big step for me but as my dad says, "The worst they can say is no." That is what I hold onto when I take each step, if I do nothing then it's the same as a no, one day they will say yes.
The other thing I discovered was time for me. It's not an easy thing to do as a single mom but it's necessary. I love my kids but there is a time when I have to do things on my own. It's a journey that I'm learning to take. I learned that I love my life. I have a great support network, a great job, wonderful kids, and freedom. Freedom to do all the things that matter the most. Free to spend the time with my kids, free to spend my own time, and free to write.
There is something amazing about sitting down and watching the words flow through your pen to the paper. I tried to write using the computer and typing it up, it's not the same. It's the right pen, the notebook paper, and the moment. These things are the best things in life. In a way I could say my life is simple, I don't ask for much because I already know I have the best. 

Restless

We sit and wait, wait for what is to come, wait for what we have to do next, we spend most of our life waiting. I find myself waiting and it's making me restless. This week I watched my younger brother graduate from college when I myself am only 7 classes away. I was proud of him, he was grinning from ear to ear, not something I usually see on his face. His accomplishment made me just want to get to the finish line all the sooner. However the choices I have made in my life keep me from crossing that line just yet. It's only 7 classes but it will take me about a year and a half because I have other things I have to do in my life.

The restlessness translates into other areas of my life and it's hard not to be lonely. Today is a hard day to be alone, a day made to celebrate all that mothers do and I am on my own. I'm not the only one, there are others who are in the same situation as I am, or even worse. Even with the support and love of my family coming home to an empty house is not easy. 

My Pastor had an awesome message today that helped remind me it's not about the here and now but the bigger picture. He spoke about Leah, the unloved wife of Jacob who became the mother of nations, who left a legacy that outlived her. I want that for my life, I don't want to live for the here and now. I don't want to settle for what I can get. I want to strive for the best even if it's hard, even if I have to wait.

I love the song by Audrey Assad called Restless, "I am restless until I rest in you." Even in the busyness of my life, the day to day I have to learn to rest. To just let go of the bigger picture, let go of the worries of tomorrow and focus on today. Today I have learned to just be me, to not worry that I can't finish all of my classes in one semester, to not be afraid to be alone. I wait for God's best, I may be restless but I'm only human. I know that if I continue on the path set before me that God will work all things out for the best. It may not be just the way I thought it would work out, it may not be perfect but I wait, and rest.