Time out!

In the chaos of life we sometimes forget to stop and listen to what God has to say to us in our every day lives. A few weeks ago I took a time out. I was convinced that one thing was keeping me from being the perfect Christian that God wanted me to be.
Rule #1 GOD DOES NOT EXPECT US TO BE PERFECT!!!! This blog is purely for me in the sense that I seem to think that my life has to be perfect and fit into this box. Here's the deal, my life doesn't fit into a box. It never has, so why was I so determined that it has to now? Because I thought I had control,  I thought that I made the mistakes before and I could stop any and all mistakes.
Rule #2 BE QUIET! God has something to say if we take the time and listen. Who would have thought if we actually take time out and listen to what God has to say we could get some real insight. It's a pretty far out concept, but it was exactly what I needed.
My time out occurred when I was overwhelmed with everything in my life. It seemed like all these things were just piling on my list of things that made me feel like a failure. I mean I'm almost 30, divorced, and living at home with my parents. It's enough to be a blow to anyone's ego. I thought I could just work harder and things would work out. Turns out that it's not the case. I've been told that I just need to suck it up and deal with things. That I shouldn't rely on my parents, that anyone can make it if they just try hard enough.
My life is not always easy and while financially I am getting by there is always a cost to the choices we make. I've learned that while I'm here I can do things with my children that they might not otherwise get to experience. I've learned that while I'm here I can be a blessing to others. I've learned that while I'm here I can keep moving forward and go back to school.
My time out I learned that I have so much more to offer, that I have a calling and it goes beyond church ministry, but it takes everything I know and everything I have been taught and it rolls it into this amazing thing. I have something so amazing to look forward to.
No ones life fits into a box, it is something that we all must learn for ourselves. We have this idea of the perfect life, of what things should be like but it never ends up that way. The white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the American dream is what we are taught. My reality is far different, and it stresses me out some days, but it's my life and I love it. I am happy, and my life has meaning and purpose.

A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

How much am I worth?

If you didn't know, then I will tell you now, I was in an abusive marriage. I tell myself that it didn't start out that way, but looking back I see there was something there to start with. I felt alone and abandoned in a room full of people. There was so much pain that I pushed it down, ate it away, and let my life go with the flow. There were days when I would cry, but no one outside of my house would see it happen. I hid myself from the world, I was so beaten down with words that I felt I had lost all value.
Value, it is different than other things. You can lose your house, your car, your eyesight, or a limb; it still does not give you value. Value is in our very soul, it helps us to see ourselves as God sees us.

"Since You are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4 NIV

The first time I read this verse I was in a better place, I had already taken my steps to get out of the abusive relationship. I saw myself as thin, even good looking to a degree. I still questioned myself, how could anyone love me? I may be thin now, but I was fat before, I have 2 kids and stretch marks. I felt discarded, used up, and worthless. I could talk myself up a good game on the outside, but on the inside I was still trying to cover the pain, fill in the knife wounds that words had made to my heart. I was exhausted and tired, working a new job, being mom, and I was in the stairwell at work when God brought this verse back to me. I had read it in my devotions a day or two before and skimmed over it, with not much meaning.
That night in the stairwell I was searching for that love, that value, and I realized it was already there. I am precious, I am honored in His eyes, and He loves me. He loves me so much that He was willing to give others in my place, His Son in my place. This was over a year and ago, and little did I realize that it was just the beginning of my healing.
Now if life worked just the way I wanted it to, I would have been able to move on from there and never heard another word about it. The thing is that I'm a little stubborn (duh), and usually it takes me a little while to get the point. I continued about my life, and though I remembered those words I didn't let them ingrain themselves in my soul. Instead I was driven to my knees recently by sheer exhaustion, realization that I couldn't do it alone anymore.
In as much as I had given my life over to God, I wasn't trusting him to be my partner. I had to face things that no man could walk beside me with, things that were only for me. I didn't want to do it on my own, and I knew God was the only one who could walk beside me. I searched the heart of God to find myself. What I found was someone who had value, someone who's worth was not decided by anyone's perception or judgement. So I can be free to be me, to be the person who God created me to be. I am free to be a geek, a nerd, a mother, a friend, a woman. I hold on to the hope that someday God will give me the desire of my heart, but until then I will stand, with God by my side. This woman knows that she is one of great value and great worth, and while I am free to be me, I am not valueless, I am priceless.

I'm only human

It's been a hard couple of weeks, there are days when I realize why not just anybody can do my job. To hear what I hear on a daily basis is something that could take your breath away, and not in a good way. There are so many things that go on in the world that you don't hear about. When I started my job I believed the best in everyone, I still do. Why or how is that even possible? I can tell you that there are bad things that happen in this world, people make bad decisions every day, some worse than others. We have all made bad decisions, the moment of a rash decision that got away from you. Once you've made that decision you have another to continue on the same path or change.
There are some things that we do out of habit, out of just getting by. I found myself just trying to get by after an extremely difficult night. It wasn't something that I broke down and cried over, I tried. I just wanted to sit and cry but the tears wouldn't come. There is no quick fix for this, it's not something that will be all better the next day. It's part of the job, and it requires more than just a strong willed person. There are times that no matter how tough you are it will get to you. What does that say? It says that I'm still human. That the pain is real, I haven't lost all touch with reality and I care.
I wonder sometimes if my job doesn't make me too tough, take away my compassion. Then I look at all that I am grateful for because of my job, because of the things I hear. For one, I am here and I'm okay, my kids are wonderful and healthy, I have a family that loves me, and a roof over my head. Some may say, of course you are grateful for that, isn't everybody? Yes, but we often lose sight of how precious it really is, how quickly it can be gone.
I took my kids out to run errands, they behaved well enough for most of the day, except when we ran into people we knew. It not only happened once but three times, and as much as I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, I am grateful to be seen as I am. I'm only human and my kids are not perfect, so a trip to the store is an ordeal. I can't leave them at home because there is no one to leave them with. I'm exhausted after fighting all morning for my son just to clean his room, and preventing my daughter from getting makeup, nail polish, or marker on something. Some days work seems like a welcome reprieve.
These are the days that keep me going, they remind me what life is really about. It's the sibling rivalry, the cries for a bandaid on a non-existent boo-boo, and tucking in at bed time that keeps me grounded. When I have a bad day at work the first thing I want to do is go home and hug my children. So when I'm embarrassed at the store, or when they are working my last nerve I remember, life is so much more than this.