I have written many a post about things in life that I have gone through but there is one that I have not touched because it is a sensitive issue for many. It was a very sensitive issue for me because of how it played a part in the demise of my marriage. You hear people say that pornography is bad for marriage but not everyone can see the black and white of what it does. Let's put this out there, there is no white.
I didn't realize what a large role it played in my marriage until it was too late. It was always there, the elephant in the room and for much of the time I figured if I pretended it wasn't there then it didn't exist. I could just ignore it and it would go away. It doesn't work like that.
When I was first married I gained a lot of weight, being pregnant with my first child at the time. I didn't feel pretty, and I didn't think I looked pretty. I wore extra large clothes instead of maternity because we couldn't afford it and that didn't help my self confidence. It was shortly after my son was born when I tried to bargain my husband out of porn. If I was pretty and thin enough then he wouldn't need to look at the women on the screen. We made a contract that when I was small enough, he would stop looking.
I saw what he was looking at and I compared myself to every one of them. I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't tall enough, my hair wasn't as long and beautiful, and I wasn't as stacked. These pictures were who I was comparing myself to, people who don't exist in real life. These women are submissive and will do anything their man wants, even to the point of endangerment of their own life and well being. Slowly, this not only eats away at our own self confidence, but pushes the image of what a woman should be.
The contract I made with my husband shortly after my son was born was never followed, I even made it a size smaller and it didn't make a difference. I was only pretty with all my clothes on. These words coming from the mouth of the person who I had entrusted with my life, the father of my children, it hurt to the very core. The damage that was done couldn't be undone by him, and it never was.
It took me a while to see the problem for what it really was, it's been years. Now I can look back and see what happened in my life without the rose colored glasses, without shading it just to survive. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect and I don't proclaim myself to be. I'm not a guy, so I don't know what happens when they look at it, I only know the outcome on my side. It distorts views on both sides, leaves me as a women questioning who I am, and plants the idea that a woman is made to please and obey her man. Submission is earned out of respect, slavery takes away who we are as a person and no one, man or woman should live that way.
I didn't realize what a large role it played in my marriage until it was too late. It was always there, the elephant in the room and for much of the time I figured if I pretended it wasn't there then it didn't exist. I could just ignore it and it would go away. It doesn't work like that.
When I was first married I gained a lot of weight, being pregnant with my first child at the time. I didn't feel pretty, and I didn't think I looked pretty. I wore extra large clothes instead of maternity because we couldn't afford it and that didn't help my self confidence. It was shortly after my son was born when I tried to bargain my husband out of porn. If I was pretty and thin enough then he wouldn't need to look at the women on the screen. We made a contract that when I was small enough, he would stop looking.
I saw what he was looking at and I compared myself to every one of them. I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't tall enough, my hair wasn't as long and beautiful, and I wasn't as stacked. These pictures were who I was comparing myself to, people who don't exist in real life. These women are submissive and will do anything their man wants, even to the point of endangerment of their own life and well being. Slowly, this not only eats away at our own self confidence, but pushes the image of what a woman should be.
The contract I made with my husband shortly after my son was born was never followed, I even made it a size smaller and it didn't make a difference. I was only pretty with all my clothes on. These words coming from the mouth of the person who I had entrusted with my life, the father of my children, it hurt to the very core. The damage that was done couldn't be undone by him, and it never was.
It took me a while to see the problem for what it really was, it's been years. Now I can look back and see what happened in my life without the rose colored glasses, without shading it just to survive. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect and I don't proclaim myself to be. I'm not a guy, so I don't know what happens when they look at it, I only know the outcome on my side. It distorts views on both sides, leaves me as a women questioning who I am, and plants the idea that a woman is made to please and obey her man. Submission is earned out of respect, slavery takes away who we are as a person and no one, man or woman should live that way.
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