Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.

Domestic Violence Month

There are many causes that we hear about. October is a big month for causes but this is the one that is near and dear to my heart. Domestic Violence is something that I not only have personal experience with but I hear stories almost every day. If you are not aware that Domestic Violence is an issue I can let you know right now that is.
I've done my best to wear the purple ribbon and tell people what I can about Domestic Violence. I've given my personal story twice this month at churches. I've told it before but for some reason this month it had a more profound impact on me.
There was part of me that cared about what others thought about my story. The biggest thing was the fact that Domestic Violence can happen to anyone. I was raised in a very Christian home, my parents did everything to make sure I had a good life. They taught me about Jesus and raised me to care for others. I made bad choices as a young adult, the minute I could get out of my parents house.
My story took time, it wasn't obvious to me right away, perhaps if it was then I would have gotten out sooner. It was little things that happened and slowly before I realized it I was cut off from my family and made to feel like I was worthless. My self esteem suffered and I used food to hide my feelings, which only made the verbal abuse worse. It didn't stop there and I faced every kind of abuse in my marriage before I got the courage to leave.

It's been over 3 years, I thought I could pick up, move on, and enjoy my life. While I do enjoy my life there is a piece of me that has been affected that can't be replaced. There are things in my life that I will never see the same way because of this.
In August I took my kids to the State Capitol and out in front of the building was this placard. A scrolled bench was the place to rest. I noticed the bench because it was beautiful and I sat and read the stone. As I read I realized I was one of them. My life was altered by Domestic Violence. My children's lives were altered by Domestic Violence. This thing, that so altered our lives is often pushed into a corner, ignored, and forgotten. There are many women who suffer in silence because they are afraid. I was one of those, I was afraid of what would happen to my children. It was only once I realized I could no longer protect them that I knew it was time to go.
The only answer to Domestic Violence is awareness and prevention. How do we prevent this? We teach our daughters that they are worth it. They are valued and they are loved. We teach our sons that they are men, that they need to treat everyone with respect with their words and their actions. It starts in the home, when they are young. In order to teach them this they have to see this modeled with their parents. If we don't teach them while they are young, who will?

For more information on Domestic Violence click here 

The Elephant in the Room

I have written many a post about things in life that I have gone through but there is one that I have not touched because it is a sensitive issue for many. It was a very sensitive issue for me because of how it played a part in the demise of my marriage. You hear people say that pornography is bad for marriage but not everyone can see the black and white of what it does. Let's put this out there, there is no white.
I didn't realize what a large role it played in my marriage until it was too late. It was always there, the elephant in the room and for much of the time I figured if I pretended it wasn't there then it didn't exist. I could just ignore it and it would go away. It doesn't work like that.
When I was first married I gained a lot of weight, being pregnant with my first child at the time. I didn't feel pretty, and I didn't think I looked pretty. I wore extra large clothes instead of maternity because we couldn't afford it and that didn't help my self confidence. It was shortly after my son was born when I tried to bargain my husband out of porn. If I was pretty and thin enough then he wouldn't need to look at the women on the screen. We made a contract that when I was small enough, he would stop looking.
I saw what he was looking at and I compared myself to every one of them. I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't tall enough, my hair wasn't as long and beautiful, and I wasn't as stacked. These pictures were who I was comparing myself to, people who don't exist in real life. These women are submissive and will do anything their man wants, even to the point of endangerment of their own life and well being. Slowly, this not only eats away at our own self confidence, but pushes the image of what a woman should be.
The contract I made with my husband shortly after my son was born was never followed, I even made it a size smaller and it didn't make a difference. I was only pretty with all my clothes on. These words coming from the mouth of the person who I had entrusted with my life, the father of my children, it hurt to the very core. The damage that was done couldn't be undone by him, and it never was.
It took me a while to see the problem for what it really was, it's been years. Now I can look back and see what happened in my life without the rose colored glasses, without shading it just to survive. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect and I don't proclaim myself to be. I'm not a guy, so I don't know what happens when they look at it, I only know the outcome on my side. It distorts views on both sides, leaves me as a women questioning who I am, and plants the idea that a woman is made to please and obey her man. Submission is earned out of respect, slavery takes away who we are as a person and no one, man or woman should live that way.

Right isn't always easy

Two years ago I made the choice to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. I left my husband of nearly 6 years, he was my first, the only person I had been with since I turned 18. I left not because I didn't want to be married to him anymore, I left because I was in danger.
I happened to be at the right time at the right place and met with someone who showed the cycle of abuse. She told me something that changed my life that day. On average an abused woman will go back 7 times. I made up my mind right then that I wouldn't do that. It wasn't that I didn't want to go back, I really thought that he could change. The one thing I knew is that I couldn't go back until he did change. I didn't at that time realize the severity of the relationship I was in. I hadn't shared all of what had happened because I was afraid that people would see my imperfect world. I had an image to keep up and I couldn't do that if people knew what was really going on in my world.
I remember years before I had shared with a friend but she didn't share my faith so I didn't listen to her. I didn't talk to anyone who shared my faith until it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. It was starting to escalate. It had seemed fine for a while but in the blink of an eye everything changed. Before I left I thought I could talk, say something that would help him to realize what was going on. He acknowledged there were problems, but not the one that was staring me in the face.
I spent a week trying to reconcile in my mind who this man I had married was. I had been in denial for so long that I had hidden what he was. When I realized who he was it still took time for me to get the guts to leave. I had two children with this man and he was now the enemy.
Waking up in the morning to hands around my neck was what it took. I wanted a sign, something that would tell me to get out there, that was it. I won't say that I left and I never looked back. I looked back, I wavered, I cried, I was heart broken, and then numb. I wanted him to get help, I wanted us to be a family again, but he never changed. He told me sweet lies, tried to tell me he had changed but I could see it wasn't true.
I had seen cases of domestic violence in my life, heard the stories. I said if a man ever hit me I would be out of there. I wish it was that easy. There is so much more that goes into it than a black eye. The emotional and mental abuse take pieces of you away. The woman that is left behind is just a shell of who she used to be. There is no reason for a woman or man to ever be subject to domestic violence. The controller often says that you will be in trouble for getting help. That you let them abuse you so there is nothing you can do. DON'T LISTEN!!! There is help, people are willing to help if you speak out. It isn't always easy but it's easier than living an abused life.

1. Know what abuse is...it's more than physical
2. Get out of the situation
3. Find a support system and heal

If you find yourself in an abusive situation the links above will help you recognize the signs and get help. If you are not ready to leave make sure you delete your computer history, and please keep yourself safe.