Time out!

In the chaos of life we sometimes forget to stop and listen to what God has to say to us in our every day lives. A few weeks ago I took a time out. I was convinced that one thing was keeping me from being the perfect Christian that God wanted me to be.
Rule #1 GOD DOES NOT EXPECT US TO BE PERFECT!!!! This blog is purely for me in the sense that I seem to think that my life has to be perfect and fit into this box. Here's the deal, my life doesn't fit into a box. It never has, so why was I so determined that it has to now? Because I thought I had control,  I thought that I made the mistakes before and I could stop any and all mistakes.
Rule #2 BE QUIET! God has something to say if we take the time and listen. Who would have thought if we actually take time out and listen to what God has to say we could get some real insight. It's a pretty far out concept, but it was exactly what I needed.
My time out occurred when I was overwhelmed with everything in my life. It seemed like all these things were just piling on my list of things that made me feel like a failure. I mean I'm almost 30, divorced, and living at home with my parents. It's enough to be a blow to anyone's ego. I thought I could just work harder and things would work out. Turns out that it's not the case. I've been told that I just need to suck it up and deal with things. That I shouldn't rely on my parents, that anyone can make it if they just try hard enough.
My life is not always easy and while financially I am getting by there is always a cost to the choices we make. I've learned that while I'm here I can do things with my children that they might not otherwise get to experience. I've learned that while I'm here I can be a blessing to others. I've learned that while I'm here I can keep moving forward and go back to school.
My time out I learned that I have so much more to offer, that I have a calling and it goes beyond church ministry, but it takes everything I know and everything I have been taught and it rolls it into this amazing thing. I have something so amazing to look forward to.
No ones life fits into a box, it is something that we all must learn for ourselves. We have this idea of the perfect life, of what things should be like but it never ends up that way. The white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the American dream is what we are taught. My reality is far different, and it stresses me out some days, but it's my life and I love it. I am happy, and my life has meaning and purpose.

A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

What did I say?!

Manipulate: to control, or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage. I had a very bad experience from a dating website and I thought it was fair to share. It was something that so riled me that I just wanted to get up and tell someone about it. I have an overall belief that people are inherently good and most people are kind. I know, I live in a dreamers world but hope for the best prepare for the worst.
I had a man message me who the conversation seemed to be okay in the beginning but it became quickly apparent to me that there was something wrong. I was ready to end the conversation and be done with it but he persisted. I being curious wanted to see what would happen so I went along with it. I watched how I phrased my words and I was kind, even when he was not. I say this because this was all through IM. I have a record of how the conversation went and I look back at it to see just what it is that causes this phenomenon called "Manipulation." He was kind at first but then he set a challenge, which for anyone who knows me knows that I can't turn down a challenge.
From nice to mean, mean to nice this man tried to play that he was the one who was being hurt by the things I was saying. Also be reminded this occurred all in one day, usually it takes a little time for people to show their true colors, his were quite obvious. I got to the point where I thought the conversation was done and put aside the IM to go about my daily life. Three hours later when I decide to check it he had messaged me again, a few times. At this point I was done and was going to tell him so when he decided to ramp it up and drill me on my whereabouts. At this point, I was really done and told him so, nicely of course because that's just me. I was then insulted again because he was a great christian guy and I was just too something to see it.
I share this because it disappoints me, that one; a person would call themselves a Christian and act in such a way that is hypocritical to the name. I'm not saying that I am perfect but I try to live a godly life and act in such a way that people see that even if I didn't do the right thing at that moment I am trying every day. Secondly, it makes me sad because these are the men that are out there now. I was hurt by someone very much like this because I was young and naive and didn't see the signs then. I see them now, I know that the type of life that leads to is painful and scary.
Overall, the reason that I share this is because in one day, one conversation I was able to see what happened in my life over a span of 8 years. I was able to see that all rolled up into one and identify it for what it was. So if you ever have to ask yourself, what did I say? What did I do to make him so mad? To make her so mad? Take a look back and if you can honestly look at yourself and not see what it was then look at the person across from you. It's men and women both who can be manipulative and controlling, I have learned my lesson the hard way. I lived like this day after day, always questioning myself because I didn't realize what was happening. Now I know. So I "Bottled" it, put it in a nutshell for others to see because no one should live that way.