I'm only human

It's been a hard couple of weeks, there are days when I realize why not just anybody can do my job. To hear what I hear on a daily basis is something that could take your breath away, and not in a good way. There are so many things that go on in the world that you don't hear about. When I started my job I believed the best in everyone, I still do. Why or how is that even possible? I can tell you that there are bad things that happen in this world, people make bad decisions every day, some worse than others. We have all made bad decisions, the moment of a rash decision that got away from you. Once you've made that decision you have another to continue on the same path or change.
There are some things that we do out of habit, out of just getting by. I found myself just trying to get by after an extremely difficult night. It wasn't something that I broke down and cried over, I tried. I just wanted to sit and cry but the tears wouldn't come. There is no quick fix for this, it's not something that will be all better the next day. It's part of the job, and it requires more than just a strong willed person. There are times that no matter how tough you are it will get to you. What does that say? It says that I'm still human. That the pain is real, I haven't lost all touch with reality and I care.
I wonder sometimes if my job doesn't make me too tough, take away my compassion. Then I look at all that I am grateful for because of my job, because of the things I hear. For one, I am here and I'm okay, my kids are wonderful and healthy, I have a family that loves me, and a roof over my head. Some may say, of course you are grateful for that, isn't everybody? Yes, but we often lose sight of how precious it really is, how quickly it can be gone.
I took my kids out to run errands, they behaved well enough for most of the day, except when we ran into people we knew. It not only happened once but three times, and as much as I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, I am grateful to be seen as I am. I'm only human and my kids are not perfect, so a trip to the store is an ordeal. I can't leave them at home because there is no one to leave them with. I'm exhausted after fighting all morning for my son just to clean his room, and preventing my daughter from getting makeup, nail polish, or marker on something. Some days work seems like a welcome reprieve.
These are the days that keep me going, they remind me what life is really about. It's the sibling rivalry, the cries for a bandaid on a non-existent boo-boo, and tucking in at bed time that keeps me grounded. When I have a bad day at work the first thing I want to do is go home and hug my children. So when I'm embarrassed at the store, or when they are working my last nerve I remember, life is so much more than this.

What did I say?!

Manipulate: to control, or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage. I had a very bad experience from a dating website and I thought it was fair to share. It was something that so riled me that I just wanted to get up and tell someone about it. I have an overall belief that people are inherently good and most people are kind. I know, I live in a dreamers world but hope for the best prepare for the worst.
I had a man message me who the conversation seemed to be okay in the beginning but it became quickly apparent to me that there was something wrong. I was ready to end the conversation and be done with it but he persisted. I being curious wanted to see what would happen so I went along with it. I watched how I phrased my words and I was kind, even when he was not. I say this because this was all through IM. I have a record of how the conversation went and I look back at it to see just what it is that causes this phenomenon called "Manipulation." He was kind at first but then he set a challenge, which for anyone who knows me knows that I can't turn down a challenge.
From nice to mean, mean to nice this man tried to play that he was the one who was being hurt by the things I was saying. Also be reminded this occurred all in one day, usually it takes a little time for people to show their true colors, his were quite obvious. I got to the point where I thought the conversation was done and put aside the IM to go about my daily life. Three hours later when I decide to check it he had messaged me again, a few times. At this point I was done and was going to tell him so when he decided to ramp it up and drill me on my whereabouts. At this point, I was really done and told him so, nicely of course because that's just me. I was then insulted again because he was a great christian guy and I was just too something to see it.
I share this because it disappoints me, that one; a person would call themselves a Christian and act in such a way that is hypocritical to the name. I'm not saying that I am perfect but I try to live a godly life and act in such a way that people see that even if I didn't do the right thing at that moment I am trying every day. Secondly, it makes me sad because these are the men that are out there now. I was hurt by someone very much like this because I was young and naive and didn't see the signs then. I see them now, I know that the type of life that leads to is painful and scary.
Overall, the reason that I share this is because in one day, one conversation I was able to see what happened in my life over a span of 8 years. I was able to see that all rolled up into one and identify it for what it was. So if you ever have to ask yourself, what did I say? What did I do to make him so mad? To make her so mad? Take a look back and if you can honestly look at yourself and not see what it was then look at the person across from you. It's men and women both who can be manipulative and controlling, I have learned my lesson the hard way. I lived like this day after day, always questioning myself because I didn't realize what was happening. Now I know. So I "Bottled" it, put it in a nutshell for others to see because no one should live that way.

What now God?

There comes a place in life where you have faced some of your giants and come out on the other side. There are scars, there are pains, but you went through it and you survived. I look back and see how far I've come and I continue to be amazed at what God has done in my life. The only thing for me to do is to keep moving forward and living this life I have been blessed with.
We don't often think of trying circumstances building of character when we are going through them but when we look back it's those moments that shape us and make us into who we are. So here I stand on the other side of my trials, my Jordan river and wonder what now. It's those days when everything is going just great and the world is a happy place when you wonder, what's going to happen next? It's not easy to sit and just live in such joy because without trials our lives seem off kilter. It's not that I want to go through trials but each time I do it makes me that much better.
It only took a couple of days of wondering what's next until things started to go awry.
In one day two of my dearest friends each lost someone who was close to them, in different ways. Each of them knew it was coming but it didn't lessen the pain or take away the hurt. It hurt my heart because I wanted to be there for them but there was only so much I could do, and I felt like it wasn't enough. A few days later it seemed that there was still more. My weekend had been great, I was in a great mood Monday morning and then it hit me. A migraine like a load of bricks, I have struggled with them throughout my life and often I just push through them but this one was different. I was laid out flat on my couch until I couldn't put off my schoolwork anymore. I did my homework and got it in before it was due, all the while wanting to puke. Needless to say I did not make it to school the next morning. I seemed to be fine if I didn't sit up.
Only after 4 days did I start to feel better and you would think that would be the end of it. That night turned out to be the busiest night at work I had seen in all the time I had been there. One thing would come up, then another and it just seemed to be never ending. A call would come up and I would think to myself what now? I know that I didn't sign up for an easy job and I knew that there would be days that would be stressful. Did I quit? Of course not. Did I want to give up? Absolutely not! I just kept doing what I knew to do, with the tools I had been given.
That's how it is with everyday, there are good days and bad. We don't know what is going to happen next or how it will effect us but we press on. I know it won't always be easy but I keep going and keep sharing my life because I live with the hope that maybe, just maybe someone will hear my story and it will help them somehow.
As I sit here and write the migraine throbs in the back of my head reminding me that it has not gone away. Perhaps I have come to expect pain in life so I just ignore it and continue on. The one thing I won't let it do is get me down. It may take me down physically, and I may whine a little but it's okay. I have so much to be thankful for in my life that these things can't take away the joy that I have. God is doing great and wonderful things in my life and I am excited to see what happens. I stand on the promise that was given to me from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'm starting to see that promise and I keep holding onto it because I know that God keeps his promises.