Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.

Right isn't always easy

Two years ago I made the choice to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. I left my husband of nearly 6 years, he was my first, the only person I had been with since I turned 18. I left not because I didn't want to be married to him anymore, I left because I was in danger.
I happened to be at the right time at the right place and met with someone who showed the cycle of abuse. She told me something that changed my life that day. On average an abused woman will go back 7 times. I made up my mind right then that I wouldn't do that. It wasn't that I didn't want to go back, I really thought that he could change. The one thing I knew is that I couldn't go back until he did change. I didn't at that time realize the severity of the relationship I was in. I hadn't shared all of what had happened because I was afraid that people would see my imperfect world. I had an image to keep up and I couldn't do that if people knew what was really going on in my world.
I remember years before I had shared with a friend but she didn't share my faith so I didn't listen to her. I didn't talk to anyone who shared my faith until it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. It was starting to escalate. It had seemed fine for a while but in the blink of an eye everything changed. Before I left I thought I could talk, say something that would help him to realize what was going on. He acknowledged there were problems, but not the one that was staring me in the face.
I spent a week trying to reconcile in my mind who this man I had married was. I had been in denial for so long that I had hidden what he was. When I realized who he was it still took time for me to get the guts to leave. I had two children with this man and he was now the enemy.
Waking up in the morning to hands around my neck was what it took. I wanted a sign, something that would tell me to get out there, that was it. I won't say that I left and I never looked back. I looked back, I wavered, I cried, I was heart broken, and then numb. I wanted him to get help, I wanted us to be a family again, but he never changed. He told me sweet lies, tried to tell me he had changed but I could see it wasn't true.
I had seen cases of domestic violence in my life, heard the stories. I said if a man ever hit me I would be out of there. I wish it was that easy. There is so much more that goes into it than a black eye. The emotional and mental abuse take pieces of you away. The woman that is left behind is just a shell of who she used to be. There is no reason for a woman or man to ever be subject to domestic violence. The controller often says that you will be in trouble for getting help. That you let them abuse you so there is nothing you can do. DON'T LISTEN!!! There is help, people are willing to help if you speak out. It isn't always easy but it's easier than living an abused life.

1. Know what abuse is...it's more than physical
2. Get out of the situation
3. Find a support system and heal

If you find yourself in an abusive situation the links above will help you recognize the signs and get help. If you are not ready to leave make sure you delete your computer history, and please keep yourself safe.