I am a dreamer

I am a dreamer, I am a doer, I am over run, I am tired, I am stressed out. I wish that I could say that things were different in my life right now but they are not. I have been in the same boat for a year and a half and it hasn't been easy. I broke down and cried yesterday and cried some more. I was very much not myself and everyone seemed to notice. 

I cried to my best friend and shared all my woes and the things that lay so heavily on my heart. I cried to my mom and told her all the things that had been bothering me. Neither of those conversations changed my life. Neither one of them was able to take away the stress, the pain, the weariness. 

I have been in many situations in my life and I have been in high stress. I have dealt with things that not everyone does. Does the amount of stress in my life differ from everyone else? Is it any more or any less then the next person? 

To be honest, I can't really tell you. I walked through some very difficult times and God was with me and I didn't feel the stress that I feel now. Does that mean that God is not with me? Does that mean that somehow I have failed in my relationship with God and because of that I am feeling more stress? 

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  God, I am weary. My shoulders bear the weight of tension it has run me down with pain. 

Did this all occur all of a sudden? No, it has been something that slowly creeps up until you realize that you can't handle it anymore. 

I have tried to be this perfect person and I have known for a while that it wasn't going to happen, that I can't be that perfect person. I can't live up to all the standards of perfection that I ascribe to. I find myself looking at others and feeling like they have things together and I don't. 

The other conversation I had was with God, and He is the one who matters. Who in the end I have to ask myself how did I present myself before God? The thing is I have failed. I want to live the Godly life and be the best example for everyone but I find that I'm not. The question is where do I go from here? 

I'm not so strong. I am weak. Realizing that I am not God and I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. I can give excuses, pretend that I haven't hurt people, but in the end it's not about me. It's about who I represent. As a Christian I show others who Christ is through me. 

I'm not a perfect Christian, there was a time when I thought it was and I thought I had it all together but what I realized is that I was a judge. I was blind to what God had brought me through and only saw others wrongs. 

This failure that I feel has opened my eyes to see some great things. It is that God is a loving and merciful God. He will hold us when we fail and fall. God is also a just God and will stand by what His word says. Do I trust that I am saved and will go to heaven? Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. That is a yes. The question is what will I do with the time I've been given until I get there? 

Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.