Broken Inside

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. Things that we would rather put away then to deal with. The problem is if we leave the things in our past where they are they will fester and become a gaping wound. I've had my share of past hurts, things I would rather forget about. I have had the opportunity to share a little of what I have been through. A conversation of my past led me to realize that we all have different paths. We do our best to share a common ground but we can't fully know what another person is facing.
I have my friends that I care for and they tell me their issues they are going through. On the outside you see what you see and hear what you hear, but how can you truly understand what is going on? I can't tell my friends that I completely understand their pain or their hurt because I don't. I can encourage them and hope that something I say will help. The same goes for me, I tell people what I've been through, what I'm going through but there is no one else who lives in my shoes. My life is not the same as anyone else's and it sure did not turn out the way I planned.
I had my dreams and desires for how I wanted my life to turn out. Instead I choose a path that led me to pain and destruction. I've been able to come out the other side a stronger person for it. It doesn't change what I went through, it doesn't lessen the impact of the abuse on my life. How can you willingly choose a person and then have them little by little strip your life of all you know and all you hold dear? That's what I did, I had warnings and I should have known but my rebellious, stubborn mind only wanted what I wanted.
Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. NIV. I choose to give my life to someone who didn't value it, who had no care for it. What did I expect to happen? I've heard many sides to it, I've heard those who judge me for not sticking it out, those who have said I told you so, or those who just don't care.
There is no easy answer, I was told I should just forgive and everything would be okay. The thing is I have forgiven. At the same time I can't forget what I went through. I look at life through a different set of eyes, when once the world was rosy, it's now jaded. I do my best to see things for the best and take the little things and be glad, but things are different. People are different, and while I know that we all have issues and a past I'm cautious. I'm scared of making the same mistake, scared that my choices will lead me down a path I've been before. It's the one thing I try to do, the next right thing. It's hard to know what that is sometimes.

Domestic Violence Month

There are many causes that we hear about. October is a big month for causes but this is the one that is near and dear to my heart. Domestic Violence is something that I not only have personal experience with but I hear stories almost every day. If you are not aware that Domestic Violence is an issue I can let you know right now that is.
I've done my best to wear the purple ribbon and tell people what I can about Domestic Violence. I've given my personal story twice this month at churches. I've told it before but for some reason this month it had a more profound impact on me.
There was part of me that cared about what others thought about my story. The biggest thing was the fact that Domestic Violence can happen to anyone. I was raised in a very Christian home, my parents did everything to make sure I had a good life. They taught me about Jesus and raised me to care for others. I made bad choices as a young adult, the minute I could get out of my parents house.
My story took time, it wasn't obvious to me right away, perhaps if it was then I would have gotten out sooner. It was little things that happened and slowly before I realized it I was cut off from my family and made to feel like I was worthless. My self esteem suffered and I used food to hide my feelings, which only made the verbal abuse worse. It didn't stop there and I faced every kind of abuse in my marriage before I got the courage to leave.

It's been over 3 years, I thought I could pick up, move on, and enjoy my life. While I do enjoy my life there is a piece of me that has been affected that can't be replaced. There are things in my life that I will never see the same way because of this.
In August I took my kids to the State Capitol and out in front of the building was this placard. A scrolled bench was the place to rest. I noticed the bench because it was beautiful and I sat and read the stone. As I read I realized I was one of them. My life was altered by Domestic Violence. My children's lives were altered by Domestic Violence. This thing, that so altered our lives is often pushed into a corner, ignored, and forgotten. There are many women who suffer in silence because they are afraid. I was one of those, I was afraid of what would happen to my children. It was only once I realized I could no longer protect them that I knew it was time to go.
The only answer to Domestic Violence is awareness and prevention. How do we prevent this? We teach our daughters that they are worth it. They are valued and they are loved. We teach our sons that they are men, that they need to treat everyone with respect with their words and their actions. It starts in the home, when they are young. In order to teach them this they have to see this modeled with their parents. If we don't teach them while they are young, who will?

For more information on Domestic Violence click here