Writing

I was challenged that I should be writing more in my blog. It's true, it's something I should be doing more of but sometimes life gets in the way. Along with working full time, going to school, homeschooling my kids, spending time with my amazing boyfriend, I am also working on losing weight and being healthy. 
Busy! My life is so busy. The good news is I needed an extra class for school and instead of taking basket weaving I am taking Creative Fiction. The class is something that is right up my alley. I have been writing fiction for years but I have never had any professional feedback. I was hoping that my Professor would be an author, but this was not the case. The feedback that I have gotten from my class is not what I expected. While I did get some I had more telling me that they loved my work. 
Does this mean that I have a real career in writing? It's always been my dream but with the amount of writers and books out there it's a hard thought that I could make a difference. Why would anyone pick my book over someone else's? These are things that I ask myself. I know that I have written things that I like to read and others around me enjoy. That's only a handful of people. I have self published two of my books and while they have reached a small market, they aren't huge hits. Both of them were written before the time I was 18 years old. I was so young! My writing and my writing style has changed since then. 
I tried writing a book that was loosely based on my life and in the end it didn't work. There was no end. I didn't know how it was supposed to end. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Pages of a book that has no point.  In the end it wasn't really about my life. I started a story with no point and that seems to be my issue. There are so many great ideas but if there is no ending how do you begin? 
I finally found a story that I have an end to. I can't tell you about it or you would never read it. It just came to me and I wanted to write it. I have been writing it for about a year and a half now. It's not over yet, but I've also started school since that time so my writing got stalled a bit. It's far from over, but it's not far either. Such is the curse of writing. You have the thoughts running through your head and you never want it to end. Once you put a story on paper it's out for the world to see. I have unlimited potential with my story, until it's done. When it's over, it's gone. It's like holding on to a dream. 
I am going to keep writing, even in the busy times of my life. It's not about the story itself, it's the need to write. We will see what next week brings and if I'm able to write in my blog. Perhaps I will keep it up. 
It's been a good 3 years of putting myself out for all to see. It's exhausting I tell you but I enjoy putting the words on paper. The sound of my fingers hitting the keys. I hope that those of you who read this enjoy it. Maybe, just maybe I may put a preview of my latest work out. 

Happy Birthday to Me.

It's the time of year when I write my birthday blog. I really can't say that I know where to start. This year has been one that I have enjoyed. I have had the opportunity to travel and go places I never thought I would. I went places I never knew existed. This year I have to say that I accomplished what I set out to do last year. I wanted to travel, wanted to show my kids the world and I have been able to do that. I'm not done traveling by any means, I think another trip is right around the corner.
Where am I now? I don't really know. I have goals that I have not met, but I'm working toward them. I'm less than a year away from getting my associates. It's a great feeling, to know that I'm that close to finishing a goal. Being in school hasn't been easy, it takes away time I could be spending with my family, and makes exercise a little harder. Even when I finish my associates it won't be over yet, the Bachelors degree takes a little longer.
A couple of years ago on my birthday I wrote about my goal to publish my novel, one that I never ended up finishing. It's a catch 22, I have self published 2 novels, so really I have met my goal of being a published author before turning 30. Now that I'm over 30, all of the goals I had as a kid have passed their time.  My childhood goals only went to before 30, after that life didn't exist.  Now that I'm here, there are new goals to set and life to accomplish. The goals now don't seem nearly as fun as they did when I was a kid.
My life goals consist of keeping my kids alive, and making sure they turn out somewhat normal. That's a big one, and while it's not as cool or popular as I kids think, it's a real thing in mom world. The other goal in my life is still to get my book published, my current book is amazing, and I can't wait to finish it. The only problem being the rest of my life taking time away from my writing. The irony of going to school to be able to do what I want to do, is that I have no time to do what I want to do.
It seems that even though my goals have changed from when I was younger, I wouldn't trade them. Things like maintaining a healthy life is not a popular goal when you are a kid, but now in order to live a healthy life it has to be. It seems like all of a sudden I've become an adult with adult goals. I've seen the post on Pinterest, "When you look for an adult but you are the adult" I didn't realize how true it was until now. I've stopped looking for the adult, I am the adult.
Whoever says you become an adult at 18 is a big fat liar. I didn't get good at this "adulating" thing until just recently. Even still I have my moments, but 13 years later I know what it's actually like to be an adult. 

I want to get away

I decided to take a vacation, a much needed vacation. I knew I needed a vacation for some time just to get away from all the things in my life. It's not that I don't like my life, however we all have those times where we are stressed and things seem to be overwhelming and we just need to get away. That was what I needed. I decided I was going on Friday and went for an overnight stay on Monday. It wasn't very far, it wasn't extremely fancy or expensive, but it was peaceful and quiet and pretty. 

I left behind my children, my work, my worries and just let the day take me where it may. I have to say that I enjoyed every minute of it. In this 24 hour get away I found peace and solace that I hadn't been able to grasp. I dearly love my children but the 6 am wake  up calls every morning are tiresome. The ability to sleep until my body said wake up was in itself it's own vacation. 

During my short vacation I relaxed and enjoyed the peace and solitude. There is something to be said for having the time alone with yourself. It's not something I see often or really much at all in my busy house. It was a moment worth cherishing. Nothing about my situation changed, I didn't suddenly lose all of the stress that was going on in my life, but I was able to stop, and just breathe. I took every minute of this vacation as a vacation and remembered to enjoy it. Perhaps it was for that reason when I got into my car and headed home that I felt refreshed, even though I was sick. 

Laying on the bed of my hotel with a beautiful view of a courtyard fountain I wrote and reflected. My character of my story facing some of the similar things that I am. She is a woman who has been hurt and been through pain, but can't let the pain over take her. There is always going to be something in life that brings us pain, something that is going to be a lot for us to handle. Trust me, I can say from personal experience that there are things that I thought would truly break me, and I made it through. Even now the things I'm going through in life aren't as bad as what I've been through. It took that time for me to see that. These things are only temporary, it will pass and things will get better. 

As I write this I'm in my room at home surrounded by the few of my possessions that have not been put into storage. I feel like my life is in a backpack right now, but I know that this will change. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and nothing stays the same forever. It's all about perspective, how we choose to see our situation. Things are hard, they aren't as hard as they were, they may get hard again, but it's about continuing to push on. The thing is it's okay to get away, it's needed. I came back refreshed, ready to be a better mom, better friend, better employee. It's amazing what a little time out can do. 

I'm only human

It's been a hard couple of weeks, there are days when I realize why not just anybody can do my job. To hear what I hear on a daily basis is something that could take your breath away, and not in a good way. There are so many things that go on in the world that you don't hear about. When I started my job I believed the best in everyone, I still do. Why or how is that even possible? I can tell you that there are bad things that happen in this world, people make bad decisions every day, some worse than others. We have all made bad decisions, the moment of a rash decision that got away from you. Once you've made that decision you have another to continue on the same path or change.
There are some things that we do out of habit, out of just getting by. I found myself just trying to get by after an extremely difficult night. It wasn't something that I broke down and cried over, I tried. I just wanted to sit and cry but the tears wouldn't come. There is no quick fix for this, it's not something that will be all better the next day. It's part of the job, and it requires more than just a strong willed person. There are times that no matter how tough you are it will get to you. What does that say? It says that I'm still human. That the pain is real, I haven't lost all touch with reality and I care.
I wonder sometimes if my job doesn't make me too tough, take away my compassion. Then I look at all that I am grateful for because of my job, because of the things I hear. For one, I am here and I'm okay, my kids are wonderful and healthy, I have a family that loves me, and a roof over my head. Some may say, of course you are grateful for that, isn't everybody? Yes, but we often lose sight of how precious it really is, how quickly it can be gone.
I took my kids out to run errands, they behaved well enough for most of the day, except when we ran into people we knew. It not only happened once but three times, and as much as I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, I am grateful to be seen as I am. I'm only human and my kids are not perfect, so a trip to the store is an ordeal. I can't leave them at home because there is no one to leave them with. I'm exhausted after fighting all morning for my son just to clean his room, and preventing my daughter from getting makeup, nail polish, or marker on something. Some days work seems like a welcome reprieve.
These are the days that keep me going, they remind me what life is really about. It's the sibling rivalry, the cries for a bandaid on a non-existent boo-boo, and tucking in at bed time that keeps me grounded. When I have a bad day at work the first thing I want to do is go home and hug my children. So when I'm embarrassed at the store, or when they are working my last nerve I remember, life is so much more than this.