I am a dreamer

I am a dreamer, I am a doer, I am over run, I am tired, I am stressed out. I wish that I could say that things were different in my life right now but they are not. I have been in the same boat for a year and a half and it hasn't been easy. I broke down and cried yesterday and cried some more. I was very much not myself and everyone seemed to notice. 

I cried to my best friend and shared all my woes and the things that lay so heavily on my heart. I cried to my mom and told her all the things that had been bothering me. Neither of those conversations changed my life. Neither one of them was able to take away the stress, the pain, the weariness. 

I have been in many situations in my life and I have been in high stress. I have dealt with things that not everyone does. Does the amount of stress in my life differ from everyone else? Is it any more or any less then the next person? 

To be honest, I can't really tell you. I walked through some very difficult times and God was with me and I didn't feel the stress that I feel now. Does that mean that God is not with me? Does that mean that somehow I have failed in my relationship with God and because of that I am feeling more stress? 

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  God, I am weary. My shoulders bear the weight of tension it has run me down with pain. 

Did this all occur all of a sudden? No, it has been something that slowly creeps up until you realize that you can't handle it anymore. 

I have tried to be this perfect person and I have known for a while that it wasn't going to happen, that I can't be that perfect person. I can't live up to all the standards of perfection that I ascribe to. I find myself looking at others and feeling like they have things together and I don't. 

The other conversation I had was with God, and He is the one who matters. Who in the end I have to ask myself how did I present myself before God? The thing is I have failed. I want to live the Godly life and be the best example for everyone but I find that I'm not. The question is where do I go from here? 

I'm not so strong. I am weak. Realizing that I am not God and I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. I can give excuses, pretend that I haven't hurt people, but in the end it's not about me. It's about who I represent. As a Christian I show others who Christ is through me. 

I'm not a perfect Christian, there was a time when I thought it was and I thought I had it all together but what I realized is that I was a judge. I was blind to what God had brought me through and only saw others wrongs. 

This failure that I feel has opened my eyes to see some great things. It is that God is a loving and merciful God. He will hold us when we fail and fall. God is also a just God and will stand by what His word says. Do I trust that I am saved and will go to heaven? Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. That is a yes. The question is what will I do with the time I've been given until I get there?