It's not that bad

Taking sociology has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Now some may say that it is weird, but I enjoy my class immensly. It has actually taught me a lot about myself.

In Sociology Cowley talks about the looking glass self, which is the picture of yourself in the way that others perceive you. How do we perceive how others see us? Have you ever had that feeling that you are being judged? That there are people who look at you and what you do? I've been guilty of that myself and I didn't know there was actually a classification for it. These people that we try and live our lives according to their standards don't even know or care that we exist often times.
Why try so hard to please someone who at the end of the day doesn't care about you?
In a book, by Dr. Julie Holland she says that where we perceive ourselves socially has great bearing on our mood and how we feel about ourselves. The higher up the ladder we perceive ourselves the lower the amount of stress we feel. We put that stress on ourselves, at the same time, my sociology class says the higher up the ladder the less stress you have overall. The ladder however can't be the thing that decides how we live our lives.
I have been dealing with a large amount of stress in my life, from family, to work, and living arrangments. This year I decided to add school on top of everything else I have been doing, and I have to say it has made things better. Things really aren't that bad. Even though some things still get to me, I'm learning that it's not all that bad. It's even okay to be a bit moody sometimes, because God made me that way, because I am (gasp) a woman! It's okay to not be okay with everything and it's okay to cry sometimes.
We often forget that our emotions are a tool, they are not to be used to manipulate and get people to do what we want, but they are a tool to know ourselves. When you stuff down your emotions, pretend you don't hear that little voice inside it causes more harm then good. Is it time to make a change in life? Your emotions will tell you.
The most important thing to never forget is to always have a goal, a plan, and a purpose for your life. While it may not always work out the way we want, we have to remember that God always has a plan and a purpose for our  life. "For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

References
Moody Bitches by Dr. Julia Holland 

I am a dreamer

I am a dreamer, I am a doer, I am over run, I am tired, I am stressed out. I wish that I could say that things were different in my life right now but they are not. I have been in the same boat for a year and a half and it hasn't been easy. I broke down and cried yesterday and cried some more. I was very much not myself and everyone seemed to notice. 

I cried to my best friend and shared all my woes and the things that lay so heavily on my heart. I cried to my mom and told her all the things that had been bothering me. Neither of those conversations changed my life. Neither one of them was able to take away the stress, the pain, the weariness. 

I have been in many situations in my life and I have been in high stress. I have dealt with things that not everyone does. Does the amount of stress in my life differ from everyone else? Is it any more or any less then the next person? 

To be honest, I can't really tell you. I walked through some very difficult times and God was with me and I didn't feel the stress that I feel now. Does that mean that God is not with me? Does that mean that somehow I have failed in my relationship with God and because of that I am feeling more stress? 

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  God, I am weary. My shoulders bear the weight of tension it has run me down with pain. 

Did this all occur all of a sudden? No, it has been something that slowly creeps up until you realize that you can't handle it anymore. 

I have tried to be this perfect person and I have known for a while that it wasn't going to happen, that I can't be that perfect person. I can't live up to all the standards of perfection that I ascribe to. I find myself looking at others and feeling like they have things together and I don't. 

The other conversation I had was with God, and He is the one who matters. Who in the end I have to ask myself how did I present myself before God? The thing is I have failed. I want to live the Godly life and be the best example for everyone but I find that I'm not. The question is where do I go from here? 

I'm not so strong. I am weak. Realizing that I am not God and I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. I can give excuses, pretend that I haven't hurt people, but in the end it's not about me. It's about who I represent. As a Christian I show others who Christ is through me. 

I'm not a perfect Christian, there was a time when I thought it was and I thought I had it all together but what I realized is that I was a judge. I was blind to what God had brought me through and only saw others wrongs. 

This failure that I feel has opened my eyes to see some great things. It is that God is a loving and merciful God. He will hold us when we fail and fall. God is also a just God and will stand by what His word says. Do I trust that I am saved and will go to heaven? Acts 2:21 And everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved. That is a yes. The question is what will I do with the time I've been given until I get there? 

I want to get away

I decided to take a vacation, a much needed vacation. I knew I needed a vacation for some time just to get away from all the things in my life. It's not that I don't like my life, however we all have those times where we are stressed and things seem to be overwhelming and we just need to get away. That was what I needed. I decided I was going on Friday and went for an overnight stay on Monday. It wasn't very far, it wasn't extremely fancy or expensive, but it was peaceful and quiet and pretty. 

I left behind my children, my work, my worries and just let the day take me where it may. I have to say that I enjoyed every minute of it. In this 24 hour get away I found peace and solace that I hadn't been able to grasp. I dearly love my children but the 6 am wake  up calls every morning are tiresome. The ability to sleep until my body said wake up was in itself it's own vacation. 

During my short vacation I relaxed and enjoyed the peace and solitude. There is something to be said for having the time alone with yourself. It's not something I see often or really much at all in my busy house. It was a moment worth cherishing. Nothing about my situation changed, I didn't suddenly lose all of the stress that was going on in my life, but I was able to stop, and just breathe. I took every minute of this vacation as a vacation and remembered to enjoy it. Perhaps it was for that reason when I got into my car and headed home that I felt refreshed, even though I was sick. 

Laying on the bed of my hotel with a beautiful view of a courtyard fountain I wrote and reflected. My character of my story facing some of the similar things that I am. She is a woman who has been hurt and been through pain, but can't let the pain over take her. There is always going to be something in life that brings us pain, something that is going to be a lot for us to handle. Trust me, I can say from personal experience that there are things that I thought would truly break me, and I made it through. Even now the things I'm going through in life aren't as bad as what I've been through. It took that time for me to see that. These things are only temporary, it will pass and things will get better. 

As I write this I'm in my room at home surrounded by the few of my possessions that have not been put into storage. I feel like my life is in a backpack right now, but I know that this will change. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and nothing stays the same forever. It's all about perspective, how we choose to see our situation. Things are hard, they aren't as hard as they were, they may get hard again, but it's about continuing to push on. The thing is it's okay to get away, it's needed. I came back refreshed, ready to be a better mom, better friend, better employee. It's amazing what a little time out can do.